His tattoo is a replica of the one Vin Diesel has in XXX, in which he plays Xander Cage. It is a very, very stupid movie.

“oooh I’ll do aaaaaaall the things a legitimate lawyer won’t do, anything your legal fictions require, up to and including incriminating myself and anyone else I've spoken to in the past day..."

There are freckles but there is also bacne, a nice mix of both.

Aren't you also a fan of Xander Cage, EXTREME SPORTS spy or whatever the plot was?

So much bacne euuurgh...

Yes, but you would have the intellectual capacity to notice that the walls around you are see through, and therefore probably easily broken. These dopes are so stupid they'd probably give themselves multiple. concussions repeatedly trying to get past them.

I'd feel bad for rats, though. I feel delicious schadenfreude here.

He’s incompetent and stupid, being able to read Latin does not make you smart. 

Bernie's been a ghost the whole time!

A Nate Silver parody page is for when the Capitol Steps are a little too spicy for you.

Junior doesn't know that, because Junior doesn't know anything.

That landscape is so lovely, the current fence doesn’t look great but it’s not nearly the eyesore he wants it to be. He’s one of those weird assholes who seems to hate natural beauty in every way and cant see a sunset without thinking how much better it would look with a few buildings in the way. 

I've been sent packing after a babysitting shift by a toddler with more grace and gratitude. "OK WE DONE PLAYING GO BYE NOW"

Jr. will go to his grave wishing he could be thrown under the bus by daddy, just for the sweet moment of contact between the two of them before he gets tossed aside.

It does not surprise me that Sketchy Steve doesn't know that Nancy Drew is a fucking rockstar chick who--this is the important part--solves crimes based on the evidence she discovers. 

It’s true, you can’t melt a puddle

Ugh now that’s going to be stuck in my head all day!

He'd start implicating his bartender if he thought it would get him off the hook and also if he considered servants to be people. 

Ehhh, not really. The way he frames it in his mind is that he's being persecuted for nothing, he's an innocent--no, a hero! No, he's Christ himself!--and the media are just big jerks twisting his words. That doesn't strike me as particularly self aware. 

He's old, mentally and physically and childishly narcissistic emotionally, and he's plastered all the fucking time. He doesn't remember what he was saying at the beginning of a sentence, let alone yesterday, but he's certain it was brilliant.