They'd probably prefer a SURFBORT

I remember seeing my cat's penis for the first time and thinking he had a worm crawling out of his ass. As I got closer to pull it out my wife warned me that was in fact his dick and she basically saved my life. Eternally grateful.

Look at those arms! Go on, gurrrl, with your bad self!

I'll give my kids a last name when they fucking earn a last name.

"Honey, how do you expect me to get in the mood if you don't even have colored drop-down selections for column B?"

If this lackluster Excelmanship is any indication, this is a man who lacks passion.

Wow. Such fringe. Very curves.

Whales are graceful fatties, hippos are fatties with bad teeth.

Yeah, this pretty much reads like a chain email.

I would say, based on my (granted, fairly limited) experience in a semi-high-end hotel restaurant with really cool decor, that the constant instagramming and picture taking definitely adds some time to the meal.

He went in to check and see if the child was dead yet. That's the only possible thing I can think of. That's pure evil in my book.

Thanks for basically ruining my weekend with this story. Leaving now to take my kids for as much ice cream as they can eat until they barf. Big hugs for them. They are the light of my life.

New rule: you are not allowed to post obvious hoaxes in Anti-viral if Gawker helped spread the stupid thing in the first place. Five minutes from now when "Nathan" explains his creative writing exercise you guys don't get to be smug about it.

A door jamb.

SWEET FANCY MOSES. I was reading this and someone messaged me on Facebook. I shrieked out loud at Starbucks.

lyk dis if u cry evrytime

For you, perhaps. I had to open all my curtains and turn on all my lights.

Dat's nufin

you know it's not UChicago because 96% in a math class (never happens) and engineer (too practical for U of C)

Ok, then I will say something nice about The Pill: I haven't had to experience a period in over six months. This is the most AMAZING thing ever. I love it so hard. My periods have been seven days of excruciating pain and horrible bleeding and I'm all over this and wish I would have known about it when I was 20. I've…