As a white person, I am personally offended by your use of “white grievance alchemy.”

As long as the nominee had an awesome time in college and really likes beer, the GOP should be fine with them. Those are the only qualifications Kavanagh has, right?

They’ll do their best. It’ll be, “He was an old man who misremembered,” or “Radical activists wrote the letter and got the bewildered old guy to sign it,” or, if they’re backed into a corner, “He was a rogue cop who did it all on his own.”

Then they’d bust him for having “the rigid facial expression of somene who’s hiding something.”

They never forgave us for renaming New Amsterdam.

Who could have predicted that climate change-induced weather unpredictability, the “free” market, and “go it alone” stubborn individualism would be such a dangerous combination? Besides anyone with a functional neocortex, that is.

They're not sending us their best kittens.

Do snowshoes come with bootstraps?

He must have been teaching the Advanced Racism module.

The GOP Congresstraitors spent last night and this morning making Trump’s case for him:

“I’m economically anxious, and so are my butler, chauffer, chef, and both maids. Only the gardener isn’t, and I think that’s because he’s making bank on the weed he grows behind the boat house.”

They should have learned from endless horror movies that nothing good happens to anything built on an Indian burial ground.

Well, we live in a country in which most people don’t have a basic understanding of how electricity works, which is why every electrical product comes with pages and pages of warnings about not doing stupid things with them.

Considering a Superman Halloween costume warned that it “does not enable flight,” telling people that hot food is hot doesn't even crack the top ten.

This case gets mentioned whenever product liability comes up. Thing is, the popular take “old lady gets millions for being dumb" just isn't true. Here’s a quick refresher:

They’re right, they just have their time machine set wrong. Take America back about, oh, lets say 600 years and it’ll certainly be great again, without all the religious misfits and itinerant riffraff from Europe stinking the place up.

Torturing and killing people without leaving any marks on the victims’ bodies is a 101-level course at most authoritarian police-state training academies around the world.

An updated edition of the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy would define Earth as: “A small, blue green planet, whose dominant life form is exclusively focused on screaming  ‘Look at Meeeeee!’ at the heedless void.

To be fair, physics can be a real asshole.

Yeah, I think “How to be a demanding moron” is an elective in most MBA programs now.