I’ve been doing this with great results for some time. For best results, do lots of negative training combined with intermittent fasting and regular habitual bull shark testosterone injections directly into the abdomen. 

*points directly to 401k*

slush funds.

No no, this is the sort of job that should pay $45/hour, be done remotely, and come with 100 vacation days a year and a congressional health plan.

The American taxpayers won’t even notice.

I’m just here to trademark the “Timothee ChalaMMA” meme ahead of Dune 2. Thank you, for your consideration in this matter.

“Nobody is hyped, and it’s overhyped.”

Get out of here with your smoked turkey slander. Last year I spatchcocked and smoked the bird, and it’s the single best thing I have ever cooked. Everybody should do this. 

The thing I remember, after moving from upstate NY (180 inches of snow per year) to Colorado (less than that), is that Colorado plows hit whatever lane whenever they want. Sometimes highways are plowed right lane, then left — which builds little mini-snowbanks in the middle of the damn road. I’m surprised there aren’t…

I can’t wait for 2,000 of these to pile up on all the wheelchair ramps.

I can’t think of a compelling reason why I shouldn’t keep a thing of garlic confit available at all times, every day, forever.

“If”

And this is my first mate, Jewy i’m so sorry

This whole time, Han was short for “Hanukka”

I dunno man, every time a Tesla crashes the company gets blown up in the press. I can totally understand putting some preemptive words out there when it comes to novices hauling big heavy trailers on third-party parts.

How to delete your account in protest.

My roommate, a sadist, handed out onions one year. But he handed them out from a tray with a pineapple in the middle, for “the best costume of the night.” You know, to give them hope. Nobody got the pineapple. They just got onions and sadness.

This would be a great time to own a pipeline

Why do I still tip for delivery when there’s $10 in taxes and fees on a nine dollar pizza? That’s not sustainable. And am I supposed to tip based on the nine dollar pizza, or the $19 bill? 

EAT THE BUGS