The correct time to spend in the shower is the amount of time it takes to briefly wipe away the crippling depression you have and/or finish your beer. 

Those pearls might feel pretty good up your butt if you stop clutching them.

Of course if you can’t smell ANY of your spices, go get tested.

The vast majority of people don’t realize that sideview mirrors can be adjusted to the point where there is almost no blind spot between the side and rear view mirrors. There is no need to see the sides of your car in your sideview mirrors, it’s just a waste of mirror space. There is also no need to see behind you…

I am a senior living on disability and in my city, I have managed to live alone in a one-bedroom apartment since my marriage ended seven years ago. This past year has seen a big jump in rent prices countrywide but my city was hit especially hard, having been considered low for years. I had been in full panic mode…

What’s with the aggressive shit talk about other people’s personal decisions? If people want dumbass tattoos, that’s their deal, who cares?

I believe Brody.  He kicked that photographer in her face for absolutely no reason a few years back, and tried to laugh it off onstage.  He's a fucking animal.

“I mean, yeah, he’s pro-genocide. But he hasn’t said “fuck” in like 10 years, so he’s trustworthy!” 

Making fun of Trump by making fun of gay people is not the way to do it, man.

Love the tired gay stereotypes these guys continue to put out there. Real deep thinkers.

Ironically, it’s Trump asking “Where the White women at?” in 2020, because they are voting for Biden this time.

If you don’t want to wear a mask, tell the delivery person ahead of time so they can leave your delivery on the ground in front of your door.

Wear a mask you fucking clown. I’m surprised a science denier even knows what an app is. Go actually read some scientific literature you imbecile.

I’ll probably pick it up since I liked her last one alot.

Pfft, John McClane isn’t real.

I am a clean as you cook person, spouse is not. Eggs are one of the worst. They’re everywhere when he does them- the counter, the stovetop, cooked onto the outside of the pan.  This has nothing to do with the rolling bowl, I know. I just needed to bitch about it.

The Old Testament backs up the “enormous fucking dickhead” theory.

I’ve firmly been in the “god does not exist” camp for a very long time. However, I’m starting to believe now. I believe that there may, in fact, be a god, and he’s an enormous fucking dickhead.

As a related point, a lot of kids, either due to syntax learning or, later, impulse control, have difficulty with negative commands (particularly retaining them). Until you’re sure they’ve gotten the concept, try to use positive phrasing rather than negative (“be gentle with the flowers” instead of “don’t tug on my…