Wait, once every three months? Nope.

27? Fuck. Pre-frontal cortex AND amygdala consumed by CTE? Just fuck.

Mommas, don’t let your babies grow up to be NFL players.

I think you meant, ‘if you order delivery’. Takeout only puts you, the customer, at risk since you have to, you know, go get it.

If you order takeout in terrible conditions, you are a garbage person. End of story.

As a former delivery driver for several years in the 90's...Fuck you for making me risk life and limb for your $5.99 plain pie and offering me a whole dollar for my efforts. I’d rather go home with no money. Man up and open a can of soup.

There should be a special state law that says if you make a delivery guy deliver without tipping him in the middle of a storm, he should legally be able to throw you down the stairs. The higher up you live, the more steps he gets to use.

Tomsula will make $3.5M per year for the next three years if all he does is play tiddly winks with his turds.

“And this? This is how tall you want your bindle stick. Now you might be thinking ‘but Jimbo, that’s way too long! It’d get in the way, always hitting stuff’ But what you have to remember about the bindle stick, is versatility matters. Longer stick means it’s easier to poke out cameras watching dumpsters. Midget…

the bridge which houses the ship’s navigational systems was shorn completely off—indicating an incredibly violent end.

“... what tore off the top two stories on the bridge?”

33 people that may never come home to their families. Sad fact that the El Faro is in the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. The what ifs come to mind including if the El Faro should have stayed docked and not ride into a fierce Cat 4 hurricane.

Are we ruling out the possibility that he’s secretly sworn to the Dallas Cowboys, though?

Imagine if the Lord of the Rings and the Hobbit were about the rise, fall and redemption of Sauron. Wouldn’t that be fun? (no). How about if the Godfather ended with Michael Corleone finally getting the family business totally legitimate, like into fast food or something. The prequels should have been about Obi Wan.…

You know, they didn’t get a horse to direct Seabiscuit!

Comparing Blood Meridian and Moby Dick to Star Wars is just silly. Star Wars is clearly a biblical allegory.

I love the Ewoks. Judge me. I don’t care.

Albert Burneko is a selfish lover and enters the same contest multiple times on FanDuel.

This might sound dumb but my girlfriend would be grateful for me thinking of her in this instance. Throw in a couple tampons. As a guy, I never realized how necessary they were.

Yeah jeetz