Simone can afford to hop though since her degree of difficulty is higher than Aly’s.

I have sent now a grand total of 7 tweets in my whole life, but this is now one of them.

Ugh, I know a guy who does that for his February birthday. He has like 5 or 6 different events to celebrate himself. One of them he calls the Pajama Jammy Jam, which is basically going to a bar in PJs. This year he was 49, I shudder to think of the levels of narcissism he’ll rise to for his 50th.

HOW LONG DOES KYLIE JENNER’S BIRTHDAY LAST?? It seems like it's been going on for weeks now.

Wtf? If you’re all adults then you just courteously inform people that you’re hoping to get busy on a given night, and you all work together to pretend that you don’t hear or see anything untoward... Maybe that means that the non-participants make alternate sleeping arrangements, but it doesn’t mean that you take…

Yep. Had a roommate do this to me. He was even nice enough to leave a note on the door telling me and our other roommate to not come home tonight. Fortunately, the ONLY window in the apartment that was opened was the one to his bedroom. So, I crawled in through the window, spent a minute critiquing his performance…

#triggered

“I just did my first desk-pop!”

I caused a similar ruckus at JFK during the Winter Olympics when I turned the volume up during the biathlon. And then fired my gun in the air.

Titanic Goes to Hell: The Final Sailing would be one heck of an Asylum joint.

“Too excited, went out like stink, died like a pig. Thanks for that.”

Enjoy it! I was just filling out my timesheet and realized I have a solid four weeks of PTO at my disposal. But I can’t abandon my husband and dog for a whole month— it would break their little hearts. Womp womp.

e m o t i o n a l

Sometimes I am sad I am single. Then there are other times where I realize I can go on vacation and nobody will call in bomb scares about me out of jealousy, and I feel free as a bird and it's glorious.

No, but this is also a Summer Olympics being held in winter.

Feminists can’t wear makeup. I read it in the Femstitution.

To be fair, what challenges could possibly be harder than being accused of illegal contouring? I hope the justice system gets on this ASAP.

so she can’t have a crown because she didn’t use her real face?? that her face was professionally applied , stupid

Future Ex Mrs. Trumps.