How is this fucking moron out of the grays and I'm still in them? Should I start watching more Fox News and completely ignoring all facts? Would that help?

Fucking Marchman. Dude, you don't have to try so hard. Seriously. We all think you're a swell guy by virtue of your Deadspin Contributor shit. Just calm down and try to pretend you're a human.

FUCK ALL OF YOU FUCKING FUCKERS IN THE NACHO-CHEESE FLAVORED CORNHOLE!!!

If you subtract 9 from 11 you get 2 . . . Johnny Football's jersey number.

Tortilla chips versus . . . tortilla chips?! What is this, the 2016 Republican Presidential Primary?

Do people take professor evaluations seriously? If they do, do they not just, out of hand, ignore anything that doesn't relate specifically to the efficacy of the professor vis-a-vis teaching the required material? Because this whole "thing" seems pretty ridiculous. Then again, maybe that's jut because I've known…

Dude, I want to hug 8th grade you and tell you it'll all be alright! Because damn . . . if you put it out there long enough, learn enough tunes on the ol' woodwind, and keep throwing that line into the pond you're bound to end up with a nice catch! Seriously . . . I bet these types of experiences have you slaying…

At least Gretchen Moll was attractive. I mean, I'm sure Dakota Johnson is a wonderful human being, but comparing her to Vivien-fucking-Leigh?!

• Jennifer Aniston said she is deeply afraid of going underwater. Which is weird, considering how thirsty she is. [US Weekly]

You mean "valor" like this:

Let's also note that this restaurant is in Detroit and not San Francisco or New York — if this can work in Detroit, it can work in any city in the country.

Oh, we made it. Two of us ate it in two days. Ahhhmazeballs!

Um, what? As a 7th Generation Texan, I have never heard of this. And I've lived all over the state, from Corpus Christi to Midland to College Station to Dallas. Never, until today, have I see the words "sopapilla" and "cheesecake" arranged in this fashion.

That one is weird, but this one:

John, Maddened WINS!

This just in: Kara Brown isn't that smart.

Dallas Mavericks are the best and they smell like Oldey Spice!

Yeah, that's objectively stupid as fuck. Do we want mother and infant mortality rates to be high or low? Is this golf or human life? People are fucking stupid.

Fantastic!

No, it isn't a thing. Mollymlf05 is wrong.