"Jon Stewart asks the NFL to Homecoming, then cancels at the last minute because his "grandma is sick", so the NFL has to go with the boy who smells like cat pee, then when the NFL gets to the dance, Jon Stewart is there with the girl who used to pick on the NFL back in junior high!"

Jon Stewart verbally eviscerating the NFL and using their entrails as his workout resistance band just makes me so fucking happy.

Bring us the team of Ian Darke and Steve McManaman, please.

RT @Ravens The child deeply regrets his role in the incident.

Roger Goodell and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Week.

I swear if the next story that comes up says Ken Griffey, Jr. was on PEDs I'm quitting sports for good.

"Good GOD, Raymond, what happened in that elevator?!"

Don't boycott the NFL, boycott their sponsors. I am not drinking any Budweiser products because they sponsor enablers of domestic violence. Up until yesterday I was not drinking any Budweiser products because they taste worse than Clydesdale piss.

DAMMIT!! DAMMIT!! DAMMIT!!! Just everybody stop doing stupid shit!!

+1 extra long cigarette ash

"I'm not being defensive. You're the one who's being defensive."

Sadly, this:

NFL on line 1.....

Actually, Ovechkin has always seemed like a pacifist to me. Watching him play defense is all the proof that's needed.

Ray Lewis: There is no comparison of me and Ray Rice. I'm far more similar to Aaron Hernandez.

Of course there's no comparison. Ray Lewis' crimes weren't caught on tape.

How about the fans who gave him a standing ovation:

Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,

The handrail in the elevator has also expressed regret for its involvement.