Who would’ve thought that businesses would actually be happy to advertise that they use Detroit water, Detroit’s water tastes awful but I’m sure it’s better than being poisoned by lead

Oprah’s commercials just made me feel sad. Here’s a woman who has the money and education to hire personal chefs and trainers and she still can’t lose the weight she wants. What hope do any of us non-billionaires have?

“He used a no-no word that I’m not allowed to say and hurt my fweelings”

I enjoyed the Octo-mom reference, truly evil incarnate

I’d marry him if he promised our first born would be named Ican Has Cheeseburger

At the time I kind of chalked it up to guys not being able to express themselves, now I realize that they all just weren't that into me to even care to talk. That’s kind of how I knew my husband was the “one”, he actually listened and talked to me when we had issues. It was like “wow this is what effective…

“It’s just not a good idea for us to get serious, I’m leaving for the Marines in a month and you’ll still be in high school, we can still be friends”

“Yeah whatever”

It’s typical of psychosis from Adderall abuse. You don't even have to have an underlying mental condition, if you take Adderall and you don't need it you can end up with psychosis

I'm pretty sure there is one in German. They have some of the best words

I guess that’s why I didn’t get roses today

I just figured that Beyonce’s focus group decided that it was ok for her to be black again

Exactly, I’m so excited to see Deadpool “come to life” I’m even more excited by the fact that maybe people will stop asking me what my Deadpool tattoo is.

The reason this movie will succeed is because he really is Deadpool. After that awful Wolverine movie, whenever I would read a Deadpool comic, it was Ryan Reynolds’ voice I’d hear. That movie bombed and they nearly destroyed Deadpool as a character but it was what Reynolds did with what he was given that sold the…

I miss her Waking Up With Kimye sketch

I believe this is where he was going but then screwed it up for the bit?

The cops shoot white people for resisting arrest, this one is news in NC right now

Only the best for our girls!

I was taking my first driving test. I had grown up in a city with lots of public transit and I put off learning to drive until my mid 20s. The pending arrival of Snookerina made me get off my behind and finally learn. The news at the DMV had been playing the video of the disinigration whole time I was sitting there…