I just read these out loud to my boyfriend (while laughing!) and he didn’t realise any of them were jokes and is really genuinely impressed with Taylor Swift right now.

#ICANNOTBEOWNED

White people who are really fucking high and have a disposible amount of money but lack the sense that the gods gave oysters.

I understand feeling that way on a commuter train, because that shit WILL NOT STAND!

We pump our fists, not our gas!

Upon delivery, the child complained that the boardwalk in Wildwood just isn’t as cool as it used to be.

Neither.

Well, I like Trump because I’m a liberal and he seems to be derailing the conservatives. But that’s probably not the answer you’re looking for. ;)

But damn, that also means he has to maintain 365 email addresses. All douchebaggery aside I am confused as to how he maintains this.

I so hope they send him a bill for the drink he actually ordered on all those days.

Well, it’s all about how much it can haul. Obviously, a doucheschooner hauls more than a douchecanoe, though both pale before the douchefreighter.

I bought birkenstocks a few years ago and decided that no matter how young I am or fashionable i’m trying to be, life is too short to wear shitty sandals.

thanks—and definitely keep reading this here wedding blog, bc you’ll definitely continue to enjoy the content!

As someone who wasn’t crazy about the idea of doing a wedding-wedding but is doing it anyway, for a variety of reasons - look, we can’t always get the chill backyard paper lamp-lit commitment ceremony of our dreams, ok? I made my peace with doing a wedding-wedding because, well, my parents and extended family would be…

She was so good in Rachel Getting Married. Everybody was so good in that movie.

Not sure I want to live on a planet where Amy Poehler and Will Arnett are divorced but Rihanna and Chris Brown are Facetiming.

Yeah, but given this asshole’s statements it sounds like we should all be wanting to wear not Leger.

His rationale for such a decision is two-fold Huckabee explained, it protects both fetus and mother: “There are two victims. One is the child; the other is that birth mother who often will go through extraordinary guilt years later when she begins to think through what happened — with the baby, with her.