She looks like she’s on trial for using fraudulent coupons at Hobby Lobby.

Looks like Melania Trump has found her biographer.

I prefer Doris Day outskiing a helicopter chasing her in the underappreciated ultra-mod espionage action spoof Caprice! (Footage not available, but a glimpse of her fab ski ensemble is in the trailer)...

“The results speak for themselves” Sarah is right but not for the reasons she thinks 

I hate all of these people so fucking much and this one is at the top of the list. I go out of my way to never listen to her (or the president’s) voice because it literally sends me into a rage spiral, but I could not avoid it last week sitting in a hospital waiting room while my dad had open heart surgery (WHY DO…

Daughter: “Mom, when I grow up, I want to be just like you.”

It’s a nice touch that the cards are orange as well

In the unedited take she keeps going:

“And it’s not because I really care about your life, honestly? It’s because, like, technically I’m going to be whoring you out to a bunch of Russian mobsters, and I really don’t need some bitch to narc on me with this whole ‘sex trafficking’ thing right now, okay? That’s some heat…

What does Melanie put into her salads? Joshua tree shoots harvested from the National Park dressed with captive migrant child tears. It's called an I Don't Care salad.

Babcia, is that you?

Movie pitch: bougie Silicon Valley cats lose everything and end up living in a Jackson Heights bodega, where they learn the true meaning of life, love and happiness. 

Looks like she got finally got some industrial strength Pantene. Good for you, Kellyanne for bringing your hair back to life. Baby steps; maybe next she can work on revivifying  her soul.

That makes all of us.

I burned it from my phone but I once received an exercise in amateur literotica from my brother that was meant for his girlfriend. I texted back "Please, sir, there's been a mistake " and then died inside. 

Back in my dating days, a girlfriend once sent me a text during an argument: “ERROR: Clitoris not found.” It not only made me laugh, but I resolved to be more...generous orally.

Speaking as a dude ...

It’s kind of hot.

Is it as camp as the frozen faced queen of Botox herself doing anti-wrinkle commercials? 

Justin Bieber is MacCauley Culkin: The Next Generation. 

“It has been a high hoagie to serve the Presidul and the Ammmumm Joseph as @ satan secretag. We hum reitare am publum lards ‘lmm the honobob ad anjgnal ob te poople ; severed poble amms, and stool mmmm he hold halga agoon to on onagg needs. God Dless Ammumm ad thee wb delad hops.”

Someone should call up the writers of…

...because “From Justin to Kelly” was next on the list for a reboot.