Yikes! Dr Laura is like the misogynist Judge Judy. Long ago I used to hate listen to her because my work break would usually be the same time as her show. Wow. Totally forgot about that woman.

But her shopping was done in a Jif!

You could just buy booze there. Although I had the worst cocktail of my life there, and this is coming from someone who once mixed gin with tap water because I was out of club soda dammit.

Not necessarily insulting, but it goes in the worst holiday gift category. My parents have a history of buying things for each other and then wrapping it up and putting either my or my sister’s name on it.  I received a book on kitchen remodeling/renovations. I was 7.

My mother-in-law was a big garage-sale shopper and a serious hoarder. She oozed hostility from the moment she met me (although to be fair, she was pretty hostile with most people). One year for Christmas she gave me a package of notecards with motivational sayings on them. They were very Jesus-oriented because they…

My dad has never gotten any of his kids Christmas presents. Mom was good at hiding this by buying multiple thoughtful presents and saying they were “from both of us,” but it was pretty obvious by the time each of us reached the age of five or so that Dad had no interest in his kids’ lives or personalities, and he…

My grandmother hd passed away nearly a year before this happened. We are at my dads sisters home the weekend before Christmas. Everyone was exchanging gifts when my creepy, alcoholic, emotionally unstable Uncle disappears after telling us all he had a surprise. He gets his kids to hand us all a little box. We open our…

My mother gave my husband alligator jerky.

My aunt got me a flea collar. I didn’t have pets. She knew I didn’t have pets. The flea collar was wrapped but not in packaging, and covered in fur. I was in my early teens. I have no idea if she was mad at me for something. She’s a borderline hoarder and probably just couldn't bear to throw away her dog's used flea…

Even though my dad and step-mother have been married for over 20 years, and even though I lived with them for almost 10 years, my step-mother acts like she has no idea who I am when it comes to gift giving. It should be easy since we like absolutely opposite everything. She wears gold jewelry, i do silver. She likes…

In the early 1980s, my grandma gave all of her grandchildren giant, completely awesome boomboxes.

My paternal grandmother was a major bitch and she hated me but loved my little sister. She was not coy about this. The phrase “It’s a shame you aren’t pretty like your sister. Smarts will get you nowhere is life.” Once came out of her mouth. And one Thanksgiving when I was 13, she questioned my paternity at dinner.

My SIL is the queen of the inappropriate Christmas present.

My passive aggressive sister, who is 13 years older than me, got me a boxed set of paints emblazoned with the words “Body Paint for Lovers.” The paint could be applied to skin and licked off. I was 15 years old and my boyfriend was in the room (along with the entire family) when we were opening our gifts. Oh, and my…

Entry number two: squeezy mayonnaise. In a capped price Secret Santa, that was capped somewhere much higher than the squeezy mayonnaise price range.

I am the Snow White type; I love animals more than people. Not one, but two different boyfriends decided it would be a good idea to give me rodents as a gift. Rodents. RODENTS ARE NOT A GIFT, PEOPLE. They are not a gift, they are a menace. After the second set of rodents (mice) had babies, and then ATE THE BABIES I…

My mother in law, for 5 long birthday and Christmas filled years, gave me monogrammed presents- with the wrong monogram. I mean, I took his last name when we got married! We spoke to her about it, but it didn’t finally stop until our first child was born.

A few years ago, my mother-in-law gave me a pair of niceish socks. They were exceedingly boring and in no way a thoughtful gift, bit I did need a few pairs of decent socks, so whatever, I said “thanks, I’ve been needing to get some more socks.” She replied, “good, because I tried giving them to my dad and he didn’t…

When I want to be insulting, I give an Applebee’s gift card. 

In middle school I spent a long time agonizing over my best friend’s gift. Having no money, I tried to get her something thoughtful that she would like. Her gift to me was a sweater that said “World’s Greatest Grandpa” - this was pre-irony. She later slept with my boyfriend in college and tried to sleep with another.…