Meriweather: Mr. Belichick, the bartender was hoping he could get paid now.

That’s what they originally thought, but it turns out he was just playing dead.

You’re forgetting two other 16-bit players who have not retired:

Cooking shows and cookbooks grossly underestimate the cooking time and simplicity of nearly every recipe. On TV, your average chef is working in a spacious, spotless kitchen, with all necessary tools nearby (no busting out the blender from the attic because there’s no cabinet space), and every onion and clove of…

“Hi, welcome to Fresh Air. I’m Terry Gross. You may know Jesus of Nazareth from his kicking the moneylenders out of the temple or possibly from his biographical anthology, The Bible. Jesus, welcome to the program.”

That reminds me of my dad and how he’d drive his IROC-Z onto the court where I was playing youth basketball and skid that thing real close to me while I was trying to shoot a free throw. If I missed, he’d flick a cigarette at me, peel out, and I wouldn’t see him for months. If I made the shot he’d nod at me…

Lupica’s got some nerve ragging on Durant for joining the Warriors while simultaneously wearing Steph Curry’s sneakers.

Answer: whenever you want. That's your birthright as an American. I'd take an elevator up to the halfth-floor, if such a thing existed.

Whenever there is one and it’s in working order.

For when the One Sports Network comes

I sweat enough just going up and down stairs, I don’t need to be adding poorly constructed tents and hot rocks into the mix.

Turn it over, put some aluminum foil on it, it'll do if you run out of plates.

They never took a doggie bag home and they never touched Golem Jesus’s meal.

They should’ve gone to Minnesota State. Coach Hayden Fox and Dauber would’ve never let that shit fly under their watch.

There’s only one Winslow worth trading up for, and he’s all about Justice with a C:

I currently use Gillette Clear Gel Endurance deodorant. Smells good and seems to last well. I

I currently use Gillette Clear Gel Endurance deodorant. Smells good and seems to last well. I

“You ain’t no real nigga. You a white boy, you preppy, you rich boy.”

If you think about it, any story about food is the beginning of a poop story.

“you’ve never worked with the general public before.”

I’ve been working with General Public so long, he was just Lieutenant Public when I got started.

Also an option: have your phone make some sort of normal phone noise, because you're an adult.