Love it!

YES!! Thank you. I totally agree.

FOUCAULT MADE ME DO IT

I've had to change several behaviors to secret behaviors - while I might not care if Mrs. Footsteps catches me squeezing a blackhead or playing a really stupid video game, I'm trying to model good behavior for our kid, so there's things that she just doesn't get to see.

picking the crusted anything off my body and inspecting it carefully only to throw it gleefully onto the floor to be swept up at a later date.

Oh man, my frenemies from high school get TOLD when I'm alone. I've sorted it all out.

I love ordering so much takeout or delivery for myself that they give me two sets of utensils. That's how I know I won.

I hold full, out-loud, long conversations by myself, pretending I'm a guest on WTF with Marc Maron. Sometimes I politely argue with him; sometimes we battle; sometimes I just charm him with my stories and wit. It's intensely self-indulgent and embarrassing and I love it. I would DIE if someone overheard me. I have a…

Rehearsing out loud the arguments I will never have with people who have upset me sometime between twenty five years ago and today, when I'm angry.

This just in: Supreme Court Justices have opinions.

I kept reading polish week as Polish week, in which case I imagine the prep is less manicure and more:

That's cause he had penis arms. That's a peen there.

Someone should tell that dude about microsoft paint.

Lolol. So I went out with a guy the other night, brought him home, and on his way out the door he says, "ill text you when I get home" (like, whhhyyyyyyy???) and, now that I've learned, I said, straight up, "don't. Don't get weird or text me 15 times a day unless you don't want a repeat." He laughed and has been so…

So this is what it's like to be scared stupid.

When men wear those oversized tank tops where the arm hole goes super low and shows their sides. Especially the homemade from giant t-shirt kind. Pasty side ribcage is not for me.

growing out our leg hair to ever more luxurious lengths