Product placement can be mostly harmless if done right.

Because if you're the one filling the envelope with glitter and mailing it, YOU ARE ALSO GOING TO HAVE GLITTER ALL OVER YOURSELF AND YOUR HOME. The genius of this service is it allows you to inflict craft herpes on others without being exposed to it yourself.

Years ago, I dated a girl who had a tradition of going to dinner with her parents on Sunday evenings. After a few dates, I was asked to join her for her Sunday dinner out with her parents. We met them at the restaurant, and her father, who had what my wife calls a "punch me face", made a pissy comment about us being 5…

When the U.S. prison population gets too huge, we buy Greenland and turn it into a ginormous co-ed prison

I legit slipped on a fresh banana peel once and went ass over teakettle. I know, Mythbusters says they're not slippery but I DID. It was pure cliche slapstick comedy, and even though my ego was probably the most bruised thing it was just so fucking ridiculous it counts as the dumbest.

I like Australians. I like Canadians, too, I just piss them off because I say mean things about Tim Hortons (which is funny, because excluding French Canada — which deserves it — I've never said anything mean about Canada, just Tim Hortons). I mean, I would never go to Australia, but that's not because of the people,…

Flat white can only achieve it's optimum flavor profile when served in an engraved coffee thermos.

a weeping willow because it was so awful that I cried

I think they probably aren't paying this guy enough, he's just so good at being Gaston.

Is the ranch dressing served in a monogrammed coffee thermos by an aggressive Italian waiter who wants to eat all your bread unless the Russian patriarch can save it first?

Well, let's say you are having tea with Lady M., when Sir Jeffrey R. drops by unannounced and in a state of agitation, wanting to show you Dr. G.'s latest paper on Sumerian poetry. Now, Lady M. and Sir Jeffrey detest each other, so you usher him to the oak reception room and pour him a brandy, before returning to…

One way to define a game changer is by how many copies it spawns, and we're still getting variations on this. But the way it was shot, the types of stories it told, the episodes vs the arc. Game changer.

Great. Now we get to stop worrying about Skynet and start panicking about the inevitable rise of organic intelligence.

Labyrinth