In all seriousness, how bad must Nathan Peterman feel right now that he’s played actual football in 2018 and these guys are out here signing Josh fucking Johnson off an AAF roster while he’s a FA?

“Ponder this...what great marriages have is sexual variety! Period! It’s not the equal burden-sharing at home trend, it’s not the fidelity trend. Find someone that is going to let me have unprotected, random sex! Period! #monogamysucks!”

“My fiancée has informed me that sheez letting me go. #thankstwitter!”

“! Period!” is a pretty damn confusing string of text.

Okay but the cups of water thing is actually kind of a genius solution for the American lack of bidets. 

How exactly are the weight and ethnicity of the men in bathroom relevant to their bathroom behavior?

Oh I definitely jerk off at work. But I’m discreet and respectful about it. 

Almonds are fine, and perhaps the most versatile nut, but the cashew is the best nut and I will accept no arguments in opposition (except maybe the macadamia nut, but they’re so goddamn expensive and hard to crack that I only have them a couple times a year).

They could burn Nicolas Cage in a straw man that big.

I’m glad the defense didn’t work, but i’m also glad someone attempted it. Because this is what you get when you make asinine anti-abortion laws like this shit. If you want to act like life begins at conception just to be a dick, then yeah, deal with crazy rape defenses like this. Maybe they will rethink the bullshit…

You say that....But I used my phone’s hotspot feature to allow me to use my laptop in the bathroom, so I could avoid holding my phone while shitting. Is that NOT innovative interneting? Sure, it ended up halfway in a urinal, and don’t even get me started on how bad hand dryers are for your keyboard, but the point…

There is no more certain thing to be true in human history than the fact that you will lose the dongle within a week of getting it. My wife bought me a great pair of Audio-Technica headphones for Christmas last year which are rendered useless because I can never find that stupid-ass dongle.

*checks the greys, whistles*

One pretty important detail is that vaginal meshes were upgraded (in 2011 or 2012 I think?) by the FDA from Class II to Class III medical devices. Class II are things like wheelchairs, pregnancy tests, etc. so testing requirements are minimal. Class III are the most strictly regulated. The Gynemesh (made by Ethicon, a…

Per flat earthers this cow doesn’t exist.

I believe even back then he blew three time outs during the Punt, Pass, Kick competition.

He’s most likely abnormally large for the same reason that human beings are occasionally abnormally large — a growth hormone issue, pituitary tumor or some similar disorder.

Gigantism is not unheard of in animals, although in the wild most critters afflicted by such disorders don’t survive long. Knickers, though, is a…

PEDs

To be fair, that’s an Australian cow. It’s size is greatly exaggerated by the Mercator projection.

I was so tickled by this animal that I said out loud in an Australian accent, “Awwwwwww, what’s up Knickers?” and now HR wants to speak with me.

Coincidentally, R.J. Barrett’s father would be the one making the decision on whom to hire.