Is Kimmie the Karmic Konduit not in possession of a hand tanner? how embarrassing- trotter and muzzle do not match.

I’m sure OJ agrees

Canada’s not that bad, and will probably save The Crown loads actually

you know what, i think i’m actually starting to look forward to death these days

Didn’t it get easier when we started to remember Dubya with nostalgia?

Thought for sure he was going to pull a jade egg out of that culo

I’ve also had energy pulled out of my butt but that’s because the vibrate setting on the plug was set too high and it made sitting a chore.

I don’t know how much hovering that hand was doing. If some guy is touching my butthole on stage in front of a bunch of people, I’d probably make the same noise. 

seems like she just really needed to fart. is that Goop’s platform? Stop holding in farts? Because that’s probably good advice

I was running late for a train once. But I was really hungry. So I ran into Trader Joes and grabbed two bags of dried apples. And I ate them on the train. So I had to sit there for 2 hours on a train while feeling the gas developing.

Her “lifestyle”?

HEY! Stick to spor- aw, shit. What’s Jezebel supposed to stick to?

Are Italians really white tho? Or just genetically descended Neanderthals who happen to have a vastly varying history of ancient and modern colonialism? I don’t honestly care, I just haven’t “othered” a group lately; I don’t know any guidos personally and just want to get back in the swing of things

Why not stop censoring the word monkey in football, but turn the concept, and say instead that in the end we are all monkeys?”

Have they considered releasing real chimpanzees into the stands? They could put team t-shirts on them and it’d be adorable!

I got more faith in the muppets fixing up our clusterfucks than the actual humans in charge at the moment thanks #teamkermit

Weep not for Kimba, for he has gone on to meet Geoffrey Jr. in that Great Toys-R-Us in the sky. And, yea—most importantly— he’s finally free from the soul-crushing tyranny that is: Skyline Chili

In earlier days, they also might have been sold to less discerning pet food companies.

This is the creepiest yet most helpful answer I've ever read in my ten years in this establishment.

At the zoo I used to volunteer at, body disposal kind of depends on the animal and who wants it. A necropsy is performed to confirm cause of death, gather samples and do whatever else they need. After that, if a nearby veterinary school or university wants it, the body was cut into manageable pieces with an electric…