One way NOT to do it? Lock your bike to it cross-wise, taking up the whole damned rack so no one else can use it.

This makes me so happy to live in NYC in an old building with a manual elevator and a doorman. Anyone trying to get to me has to pick my building out of the thousands, and either climb up three stories and break in through the window, or knock out the doorman, figure out the correct elevator key, figure out how to…

It was in 10th Grade Biology class that I learned that there isn't a part of certain animals called "meat". I knew there was skin and blood and bone and muscle and all of that, I just thought that pigs, cows, chickens and ducks had one more part. I was shocked and kinda revolted to learn that "meat" was indeed…

I got one at the NJ State Fair last year! A BLACK one! I was very excited to get it. The people running the abortion is murder booth were a bit taken aback at my delight. They were even more upset that my two extremely gay punk rock male friends wanted their own abortions as well.

You can always shave that shit off and give him a haircut and a flannel.

Popcorn! There are a bunch of brands of organic oil-free microwave popcorn out now. There's also Skinny Girl Lime microwave popcorn that is awesome, if you can get past the stupid name.

Aside from the fact that it looks like Kim got in the car and realized she forgot to put on her shirt and decided fuck it, I'm late, I'm just gonna go with it ...

My friend completely regrets getting married and becoming a mom. She loves her husband and loves her two girls and is a really great mom, but she will definitely say that if she could do it all over again she never would have married or had the kids.

I only ever see female doctors for pretty much anything that involves being undressed (dentist is a guy). Then I came down with uterine cancer, and my oncologist is a man because he is one of the best robotic surgeons in NYC. He is wonderful - the softest, most gentle hands, very very sweet and an all-around lovely…

14 bottles of wine = 350 ounces = 2+ gallons = 8600 calories.

Yeah, act like an adult, huh? Sure. There's a good reason for doing the fadeaway ...

Oiks. People always think they are so freaking clever.

I wound up with a whole fish at a fancy restaurant when I was in high school. The eyeball looking at me freaked me out too much to eat it for a long while, then I said Fuck It and put a napkin over his face and ate every bite.

This isn't about saving money. It's about profits for the beef industry and sticking it to Michelle Obama. They don't give a shit about nutrition, money, really anything.

If it weren't going to be expensive and painful, I would love to one day get a complete Miss America makeover — hair, makeup, tan, vaseline on teeth, whatever weird undergarments. Just to see what I'd look like. It's so weirdly alien.

Far as I know, they only broadcast the reading of the names in NYC, where there are a LOT of people who were directly affected and still need to hear the names. Twenty years from now, I doubt this will matter anymore. For now, it does. Again, if you don't like it, find something else to listen to for those three…

They also said that the dogs pretty obviously knew that the rescuers were pretending, but the dogs played along too because they knew that it made everyone (dogs and people) feel better.

I'm sure if you don't know anyone who was there, the reading of the names must be very dull and annoying.

A co-worker/friend got married in India and had over 3000 people at her wedding. It was held in a stadium and she says she only knew about 200 of those people.

Pear vodka and tonic is sublime.