If the goal was making the New York Jets look as inconsequential and uninteresting as they are, mission fucking accomplished.

My brother in law is a Jets fan.  Talk about a guy who makes poor life choices. 

And Marshall, Jeffery, and Forte all got run out on a rail for having the temerity to not enjoy having to play for someone who changed up Cutler’s playbook for like the eighth time. 

Yeah, my doc gave me a perscription and it said no booze on the label. I told her, “So like, no hooch in the motrin sense where it’s just gonna amplify it, or no hooch in the ‘you’re gonna die’ kinda way?” She looked at me like I was an idiot (a fair assumption I reckon) and said, “Don’t drink with Motrin either!…

I went to church with one of the actual Top Gun Pilot Graduates who actually flew the planes in the movie.

if you eat leftover sliders you deserve whatever happens to you

This whole thing feels like an attack on my childhood.

It’s kind of been explained, but there was (and still is) a teenage culture, often around sports, but not necessarily, that don’t leave the house without a baseball cap on.

Wait, so John admits Texas is known for tacos, guacamole, and brisket, yet doesn’t seem to understand why it’s great?!

You see, this is why I’m moving on from Deadspin and their constant focus on politcs and heading more and more over to the Ringer where they are talking about the things that really matter to me as a sports fan like which Rom-Com from 2003 holds up the best. 

If the cop had been white, would the security guard have drawn down on him, or would the cop have been politely informed about the correct procedures and been asked to follow them before entering?

Cop or not, you do not pull a firearm on an individual, armed or not, who is not displaying any threatening behaviour.

Which states have the biggest disparity between how beautiful the state’s geography is and how terrible the people are?

It is incredible that the USA can produce a team capable of dominating a sport on a global stage, beating up on evil socialist European countries, and uniting a decent cross section of America behind them and the fucking president still picks a fight with them.

+11 points...for ZA in Scrabble.

Starred because it made me laugh, and then I was horrified because someone might think this means I endorse mayo, the foulest of condiments. I wholeheartedly do not.

You can keep the star, though.

Fun fact: There also bite size versions called Crunky Balls.

I didn’t know the dad from Calvin and Hobbes had a Kinja account!

I like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me. And since I don’t have a butler, I have to do it myself. So, most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman Grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill, I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of…