Where do you mount them? Pix, please? Thanks!

True story: dateline 1985 in the Silicon Valley. National speed limit: 55, same as the S.V., but everyone in San Jose drove 75, which at the time was actually pretty daring. Anyway, I was in a driver education class for some infraction when we had “discussion time.”

Fun fact: in CA, having a bullet hole in your car body makes it legal for the cops to stop you and investigate why you have a bullet hole (proximate evidence of a crime, right?). In fact, you need to have some kind of police report (full disclosure: details about to get fuzzy here, comment lawyers) to show if there…

At least with cooking, they'd have a useful skill.

Cheer for American lesbo’s playing sub-standard, less than high school ball? I think not.

Good sheep, good sheep. You take directions well.

The most honest comment so far, both in tone and content. Bravo.

You don’t even have the courage to tell me to kill myself.

AAAaaand you are the winner with the first dick joke in this evening's "Projection Theater"! Sir, you mother is calling you from the shower!

You COMPLETELY misunderstand me. I’m so sorry. Let me explain.

No. He's got too much money to wrestle in mud with pigs like you.

I’m sorry. That sounded anti-American. Let me fix that.

With the ball travelling, what, 40% faster? So much faster that it isn’t even the same thing.

Awwww. Grandpa learned the "hot take" cliché! How cute is that?

See, your pride is so extreme, now you’re just talking out of your butt. Those broads are waddling around that pitch so slow, it looks like a damn penguin show.

I was a forward. I would have kicked it harder with my left foot...

Still, as a fat old has-been playing in the 4th division of bush league ball in a place that Siberia forgot, the ball had more pop than you'd see at world cup level women's play. That's for sure.

Did you wear your wife's skirt while typing that last one?

In other snewz, there will be dry humping, donut bumping and other assorted lesbian games after the final whistle, all of which will be infinitely more interesting than what may, or may not have happened on the field.

Everyone would be at 110 on week one, with brisk business at AM/PM for gas. Back to 70 the next week and everyone politely moving to the right when speeders come by.