In my family we tend to not make a big deal about Christmas Day or Boxing Day. Yes, there’s a big meal. Yes, we give presents. But we don’t force people to be jolly and spend time with people who we can’t fucking stand the other 364 days of the year, no sir.

So, Cheung:  which female sleb do you know has a surprisingly roomy vaj?  Anyone out there who can crush a watermelon betwix their labia?  Don’t be a basic bitch and be all coy now, sugarbuns.

Thoughts and prayers, you cunts, thoughts and fucking prayers.

In the words of my French colleague: “It’s a show written by fat pathetic Americans for fat pathetic Americans about a fictional Paris that has never existed except in their post-fingering haze”.

The plain ones are always good to have on stand-by in the cupboard in case you get wanky visitors who want something nice to nibble on whilst drinking your tea/coffee. If you really don’t like the fuckers you can always dish out the pink wafer biscuits and if you never want to see them again you crack open the Nice…

I’ll go one better. Did you know there’s a superior version of the legend that is the Crunchie sold in Australia and New Zealand: Violet Crumble. Yes, it sounds like a superheroine’s name. But it’s the shatter that matters and it is divine.

Only when it rhymes with harm and not ham.  The latter is common/American.  *haughty British sniff*

Found it. Questionable intro aside, here’s the groovy 70s version...

Don’t forget he also co-wrote the screenplay for Chitty Chitty Bang Bang which was based on an Ian Fleming short story. Where else do you think he would have got inspiration for getting the name Truly Scrumptious from? (Which, I argue, is the best name ever for a kid’s film heroine) Sad little fact about Chitty…

Danny, the Champion of the World was and is still an unusual Roald Dahl book in that it’s on that weird little border between a children’s book and young adult fiction. It’s also, in my opinion, the most realistic of Dahl’s children’s books because it’s very easy to place the book both in time and setting (1975, the…

“We encourage you to try a new snacking line created by the Skinnygirl brand which are crafted with less sugar than comparative snacks.”

If you actually need a tracker to find an Airpods case in your tiny home then you need to clean your home a bit more.  JFC.  That’s the worst defence of this pointless gadget I’ve read in a long time.  

Actual British - well, Scottish - here!

My boyfriend and I got pestered by my nephew recently for a loan of some of our old cameras. The one my nephew’s using this week is this one...

Well, yeah, but that’s because Americans are a mongrel race.  Best thing to do with mongrels is neuter them.  

We’ve got a Thornbird over here!  Someone fetch the cold water!

Given how horrific my classmates at school were to each other (not to me, thank christ. I was lucky that I had a reputation for being scary, gay and able to punch someone’s throat in. I did it once, ffs) I’m eternally glad that social media was a figment of some shut-in’s imagination back in the 1990s.  

I can probably guess which British newspapers were asking about Winslet’s weight in the 1990s/early 2000s - the Daily Mail, the Sun, the Star and even The Guardian were interested in how much she weighed. Oh, of course the Graun would try and disguise it with a “but to put a healthy woman’s body into perspective...”…

How very dare you. Winslet is British. Her telly debut was in Dark Season - written by the legendary Russell T Davies and often seen as a teenage fanfic follow-on of Doctor Who - and she most definitely ain’t a Kiwi in that...

Sengstock said eventually Frank Houston sought his forgiveness. “He needed his forgiveness because he could not die and face God with this on his head,” Sengstock told the court.