I've got two, one is a little deeper than the other. There is an eye cream that I tried a couple years ago (I can't remember which brand it was) that really reduced it, but it was, like, $25 for an ounce and I can't afford that longterm. So I'm just gonna have creases.

I consciously hold my phone close to eye level when I look at it so as to avoid exacerbating my already semi-jowly state. I've also already decided I'm having a Lifestyle Lift when I'm 50.

Yelp tells me that Phil's Market closed. :(

It's actually a chain and it's surprisingly good. At least the one I frequent in Tampa is really good, not sure about any others.

I lived in a tent in Hammond for a couple months. God bless drive-thru daiquiris!

Sometimes I motorboat it. SO SOFT.

The guy I'm currently touching butts with has a glorious beard. It's full and thick and has a definite shape and is regularly brushed and conditioned.

I kinda get the feeling that no one on that set had ever eaten an ass before but no one wanted to admit it.

I don't really get it either. I've tried all the typical stuff one can do with one's butthole and really none of it got me going. If there's going to be something in or around one of my holes I prefer it to be the v.

I'd like to believe that this lady haunted the shit out of her daughter and grandson.

If it's not this, I don't want to hear it.

Him: Talk dirty to me.

Me too. I can do funny dirty, but not drrrrrty dirty.

I'm totally flipping that and asking a dude if he wants to be the 207th bone in my body. It's perfect because he'll either understand the anatomy reference or he'll wonder if he's the 207th guy I've had sex with. Either way, GOLD.

"What would you do to me?"

I'm the worst at dirty talk and sexting. It just feels so trite. I also get easily distracted so eventually in the middle of the whole thing I'll end up asking, "Wait, did I put coffee on the grocery list?"

Same here. I can't even smell garlic without my throat burning.