I’m reminded of when I was watching a Parks & Rec rerun the other day. Leslie had been awake for something like 40 hours because of telethon, and she drove to Ann’s house afterward. The joke was that she was so sleepy she parked her car on Ann’s front lawn, and I found myself wondering if you could get away with the…

I don’t have Fusion, a Twitter account, or friends; how about if I just mail you a Polaroid of me watching one of those old Taste Tests they constantly rerun on The Onion’s Pluto TV channel and you can write me a note to get out of gym class?

“...which can only be described as his “Pro-KKK Twitter Thread””

“defending Hitler”

So Morrissey is finally joining Twitter after Twitter has turned everyone else into Morrissey. It doesn’t seem quite right, like he’s decided to front a Smith’s tribute band.

“If you have to tell others you’re an alpha... you’re not”

“...manages to fulfill Alf’s dearest desire...”

What’s up with the tennis movies all of the sudden? Billie Jean King, John McEnroe, *now* we’re making films about these people? Is this to piggyback on all the other blockbuster tennis-themed film successes? This reminds me of when they had those two Steve Prefontaine films coming out, and there weren’t a dozen…

Holy shit, man. I just checked back in after somebody replied to me with some smug, obtuse dipshittery, and what the fuck are people even doing here? This is madness. Even in the most critical analysis of your original commentary, does some mild apathy warrant responses like, “Your mother doesn’t love you, so you…

Donald Trump is not a white supremacist; he’s a Donald Trump supremacist.

“I’m like, ‘guys, I’m sixty-fucking-five. Audiences are eventually going to go: ‘Come on.’”

It is alarming that there are still communities that see dogs as food animals.

“I was physically sick before I went on air. Because I’m smart.”

Clearly Steve Bannon is not the one from this crowd who should be writing screenplays.

My humor can admittedly go to some caustic and callous places, but I honestly never understood what was supposed to be remotely funny about this. Then again, speaking as someone who has had hysterical emotional outbursts throughout his life over things that seemingly don’t warrant that degree of intensity, I suppose…

Got it. I will tell that to all the rappers, and I will never use rope again.

I don’t know, dude. It sounds like your not doing your duty as a black person if you don’t allow white people to tell you how horrible hurt, insulted, and personally destroyed you’re supposed to be whenever some random person uses a word offhandedly to describe a glob of pixels on a video screen.

I’m sure the honorable Mr. Woods would point out that the 19 and 20 year old women he dated when he was in his advanced 100's were of legal age, having gone through the magical maturation that happens over the night when you change from 17 to 18. 17 year-old: paedophilia. 18 year-old: tight parts, dim wits, the party…

Just like Algebra was always trying to teach me that letters and numbers were the same thing. That was just so stupid, and I refused to listen to another word of it. And I must have been right, because I’ve never once had to include letters to make change when I’m working at the Dairy Queen drive-thru.

Has Katie never seen a Mel Brooks movie?