Are the burners glowing when you turn off the kitchen lights? No? Move along.

So, to summarize:

These are the same type of people that must share with the world that their brand new SUV is “in loving memory” to some dead family member.

Maybe they stopped for some hot buttered croissants...

I’ve been on planes where the pilot has specifically told people to keep seated since several people need to get off to make a connecting flight. Does that stop idiots from immediately clogging the aisles? Nooooooooooooooooo...

Wondering what’s to prevent any batter from aiming for the catcher’s glove each time he swings? I can see the new directive in little league- “keep your eye on the mitt.”

One of the easiest ways to know that the president had nothing to do with this statement is that nothing was misspelled. It also didn’t mention Hillary Clinton or her emails.

That cyclist seems a bit... ChiPpy...

GarPax can eat a bag of dicks. This is a TERRIBLE trade, and further cements those two as the most clueless dudes in sports. They’ll probably further screw up and draft a player like Frank Mason. This suuuuuuuuuucks.

Back and forth... forever.

Dusty Baker- making golden arms fall off since 2003.

“Hit it 19 more feet then give me a call”- Jake Arrieta of the Cubs.

Thank god he kept his socks on. I bet he has Shaqfeet.

Are they going to sue the makers of the drug Ketamine too?

Two to three years of regular sexual contact with your wife is probably enough to close the gap with your mom.

Will Smith’s nephew is trying to hang with LeBron, and Michael Peña’s cousin is having none of that.

Cue Boots Randolph...

It’s in Philadelphia. No brains were harmed on that play.

Who’s that “you” she’s talking about? Sure as shit ain’t anyone sitting in the crowd or wearing a mortar board...