Sit down, John!

Good God!

Agree. I've moved to towns where I didn't know anyone for work purposes twice and yelp reviews were super helpful in finding some important stuff, like a clean place do my laundry and the best tacos.

Go home and read a book, kids!

See also: Dear tweens, please stop putting your drug pictures on Instagram.

Orly? This might be a plan, but I was sort of considering fostering children.

Yeah that. I really wish I had a backup career plan for when that day comes for me.

Eh, if you've ever seen a crowd of Bears fans, civilization is pushing it.

Seriously, have you never been to Chinatown in Chicago? I mean, this is the Midwest too.

Yeah, but we can't trust the government to find out these things for us and probably should deregulate all the big business, right? Thanks, Republicans!

Maybe when I ruin the hitachi, but that bad boy cost $90!

Get a nice external vibrator? Maybe a hitachi magic wand?

Pretty sure my mom dressed me in an exact version of this dress in the early 80s.

I work with 12 year olds. They don't need to be drug users to act in completely bizarre ways. What's going on developmentally in their brains and bodies pretty much does the trick without any help from outside substances.

One year when I was in college, I was home for the Big Family Dinner and in the middle of it my cousin asked me to be her confirmation sponsor. I remembered quite distinctly that your confirmation sponsor is supposed to be, you know, a Catholic role model, and I was trying to politely extricate myself from that…

This internet fight is killing it. Now 'scuse me, my basic ass has gotta go take another unscheduled Effexor.

Good makeup is kind of a magical revelation. I got some foundation from Benefit this week and it is like... holy shit. It goes on super-easy and the coverage is great, and it lasts!

I can get ready faster, but on a good morning, I've spent at least 25 of those minutes in the shower. :)

Years ago, my mom, dad, sister, grandma, grandpa, and I went to a catfish place with my great aunt. Now I loved the lady to pieces, but she had a big voice and an extra heap o'crazy (legitimately earned, but that's another story). So there we are, eating catfish (ugh!) in this place in the Arkansas Ozarks, and she…

Get thee to the urologist. The procedure to remove the pollyps in my urinary tract that were causing my frequent infections was painless and i have been uti-free ever since.