I had no bridesmaids. My husband and I didn’t want a procession either. We just stood up in front of everyone at dinner, said some quick simply vows, and DONE. Then time to party! Best decision ever.

This would’ve made an excellent submission.

The international breakfast is a half-waffle

8. Beachy waves

I am TERRIBLE at doing my hair. I have ultrathin, flat hair that doesn’t hold a curl or hairspray or product very well at all. I can do three things: 1) leave it down (it gets really flat really quickly) 2) put in an anemic pony tail 3) put it in a tiny topknot IF my hair is cooperating and I have time to fuck up a…

Well I’ve been sulking that I can’t have Steve Buscemi dog literally all morning. Even my morning squee has let me down!

So basically, if your day was just going a little TOO well

I bequeeth my finest burn relief gif, for this was so clever I couldn’t have come up with it if I was writing a ren faire sitcom.

For some burns, context is everything.

My grandmother was the most polite person I’ve ever known. Not necessarily the ‘nicest’, but in the tradition of fine scottish-descended, church-going, tee-totalling canadians, I don’t think I ever heard her say anything harsher than a quiet ‘tut-tut’ in her whole life. She was…

You didn’t “burn” the cop by any stretch of the imagination, and you didn’t use it “perfectly” in context. He wasn’t making some insult to which you gave a witty comeback, you were just a drunk asshole he was stopping from killing anyone else.

I’ve told this story before, but here it goes again.

1) Stolen from Winston Churchill

When I was in 2nd grade, my class made gingerbread cookies. The teachers orchestrated an elaborate ruse where they pretended the gingerbread cookies ran away. They left flour trails around the school, and wrote messages from the gingerbread cookies with chalk. Messages like "Run run as fast as you can, can't catch…

When I was about six I used to smear myself with ketchup and lie on the sidewalk pretending to be dead anytime I saw any vultures flying around. My dastardly plan was to catch one and train it to catch and deliver to me the neighbors cute puppy I so desperately wanted.

That's awesome. I started reading when I was two, and my parents had these endangered species rummy cards that we would use as flash cards to expand my vocabulary. When I was three, we were at the zoo and people were oohing and aahing and talking about antelope and I corrected them by saying "those aren't antelope.…

I was a creepy child, as in I was bad at socializing and I knew too many words. Essentially, I was a very small old person who read encyclopedias and watched daytime television. I was also bald (which my mom tried to cover with tiny hats) for the first few years of life to complete the picture.

His name was Javier and I met him when I worked at the bookstore in college. He was super hot, but that's because all he cared about in the world was his body. Good for him! Good for him. But between working out and moisturizing and hair care and trimming and and and, there was...not much left. But super hot and…

The pathological liar ex (I have posted about him before) and I had a relationship built entirely on dancing, fights and sex. It took me forever to understand that he was cheating on me, and I accepted his increasingly wild stories about his "friend" who was just "really emotionally fragile right now" and who I kept…