And now, a friend told authorities Lee moved to Alaska last week.

I think I'm done with the news for today. Bed seems like a grand idea.

Yeah, I can write a better under-140-character sentence than that: "Donald Trump dies penniless."

Among the Jezebel staff we have a conspiracy theory that the Kardashians were created in a lab by a group of A-list celebrities to soak up all the tabloid attention.

In my case, it is chicken. As soon as the special kitty smells chicken, he barrels into the kitchen and howls until I relent. Ham gets an offended sniff and a good look at the brown eye.

I read your comment incorrectly the first time and thought you said you Febreezed your kids.

Oh no. He's off the market. Whatever shall we do. Women everywhere no longer have a reason to live. Oh woe and alas, for such a catch is no longer on the marriage market.

:( I know, right? May I offer you some adorable kittens to improve your spirits?

The cat I had in preschool opened doors. With round knobs. Several times my mom even swore the had locked the door. The cat never wanted anything to do with either of us except to sleep on our bed at night, but my mom was too allergic to let her. We had to start locking the knob and jamming in a doorstop after I…

My mind often tricks me into thinking that I burned calories because I sweat when I walk up my stairs on a 90 degree day. Today it's 95, so.... three ice cream sandwiches?

As a white girl, I'm filled with an uncontrollable desire to shoot these cats and pose with their corpses for instagram.

I wonder what the population of women in women-only prisons is? I bet it's higher.

Does your employer provide health care? Then you're entitled to legal medications to maintain your health. End of motherfucking story.

Humblebrag: It's hard for me to watch American Idol because I have perfect pitch.

Do you know what a humblebrag is?