Not so much the worst cooking I’ve ever done, but definitely, definitely, the worst meal I’ve made for people. A few years ago, I decided to hold a get-together for a group of people I’d become friends with after a high school reunion. The meal was pretty simple - two starters, two main courses and two desserts. There…

Screw that.  There’s one at the bottom-right demanding you NAIL ME!!

Boys?  Christ, what about girls?  Let’s not kid ourselves - we all know legions of teenage girls who somehow think that god made them impervious to cold, thus will deck themselves out in the shortest skirts known to mankind. These skirts can vary in style, from ruffled napkins that could masquerade as your maiden…

Eh, we’ve had these things for years in Europe.

Bleached Milk Representative here to say:  you got what you fucking deserved, you racist bitch.  You do not have the right to say something as reprehensible as that and think there’ll be no repercussions.  

Let us not kid ourselves:  no one wanted to see kitty nipples. 

Well, I for one hope this idiot doesn’t ruin these girls dreams of dancing. The world’s a shitty place, sweetie, without your carping on about “traditional” hairstyles for a bloody ballet recital. And, as others have pointed out, it’s very bloody easy to pin braids up into a bun and make sure its secure enough not to…

This is one of those times that I wish we could just bleach people like her from the universe.  Get yourself to fuck, you racist cunt.

Your mother’s going straight to hell. Jesus fucking Christ.  

“Curl up and Fry, Karen”.

Kenwood.  Always Kenwood.  Kitchenaid is just...meh.  

My mother’s Tipsy Laird trifle. I find it shocking - shocking I tell you! - that you Americans seem to have a limited exposure to the heady and delicious heights that is trifle. It’s even better when it’s made with whisky...

The one I’ve always wanted answered is why my cat can be snuggled up, or curled up, or doing his best Sphinx impression (whilst pretending to doze. Yeah, I see your ears twitching)...and then suddenly go on a freak-out and spend a good half hour running around my house. Or why he has to sleep between Mr Vinegar and I…

Someone fetch Whoopi a katana...

Quinoa?

Before I go any further, let me say this: fuck avocados and fuck almonds. There.

My heart fucking bleeds for her. Complement “Chinese” cuisine my hairy gay arse - she probably had orange chicken that one time in Panda Express and thought “gosh, that’s what they all eat in Shanghai!”  Real Chinese food is a sensory delight - it smells great, it tastes great and it looks great.  Hell, even the sound…

I have a speargun if you need a loaner.  That’s all I’m saying.

A brass door-stopper in the shape of a fighter jet.  I was fifteen years old and my Aunt handed it to me with all the overwrought pathos of a Hallmark movie.  Bitch.