I’ll never forget the messages scrawled in the Most Popular Girl At School’s yearbook in 1996, especially the one that said “You give worse head than your Dad does anal”. Another one - from the same yearbook - was “You dress like a slut and fuck like a dog”. That and “You fucking stink of cum, you cunt” or “eat shit…

Hermes, aye?  Is that what the wee man told you on the street corner, aye hen?  As we say in Scotland - away ye go and dinnae talk so much fuckin’ pish...

Probably the Nebuchadnezzar of Taittinger I was given as swap with a French student I was working with in Paris in the late 1990s. He wanted this rather beautiful racing cycle that was being raffled off in a contest (tickets were only 200 Francs!) and I won the bike. I have no intention of ever pouring myself into…

My top tips for mashed totties...

I take it he pings for you more than a wonky sonar?  I bet when he opens his wee mouth, his mother’s purse falls out...

Definitely a fisting pig-bottom.  

Andy is like a pint-sized version of Mr Vinegar, so naturally I’ve got a massive crush on him. I find the whole BA crew just really fun to watch and the recent series they’ve been doing - about creating the best Thanksgiving dinner - has really been great fun to watch. Plus, I’ve now switched to making my mashed…

Another creature from the sea - and possibly linked to the Inuit who are believed to have travelled as far as Scotland in the distant past - are the Selkies. Unlike the Kelpies and the Finfolk (more on them later!), the Selkies are, by and large, benevolent and kind, albeit up to a point.

I don’t mind if I’ve got a kid sitting in front of me (a lot of little kids often don’t know any better and more often than not they won’t recline their seats anyway) but I always try to ask the person behind me if it’s okay if I recline my seat. It’s only fucking polite to ask!

You know how in horror films, the hero saves the day by exposing the vampire to sunlight and causing them to combust? What if I told you that in Scotland we have a vampire so powerful that she cannot be defeated by sunlight, or stakes through the heart or chucking your 99p “gold” crucifix at her? Meet the Baobhan…

One particular demon that are unique to Scotland are the Blue Men of the Minch. No, they’re not some over-exposed performance group, but rather creatures that appears human but are, well, blue in colour. They’re also known as na fir ghorma (literally The Blue Men), and are known to be a tad ferocious - one thing…

Whee! A thread I can contribute some truly weird and wonderful entries to!

Depends on the soup you’re serving. Some soups - like that awful tinned tomato piss-water from Heinz or Campbell’s - is designed to be eaten with something else (you can fuck right off with your fucking grilled cheese, my dear), but there are soups out there that are designed to be eaten as the solitary component of a…

Oh, one for his body, one for his face, one for his hair and the last one to wipe up all of the extra water he managed to shake all over the bathroom floor.  Like I said - he’s a Labrador.

The one thing I remembered most about Titanic was the fact that James Cameron understood the horror of the sinking. We focus far too much on the fact that it was a luxury liner and the tragedy of losing that ship, blah blah blah - Cameron seems to have focused in on the human horror at points in the film that come…

*sigh*

I will contend that the hottest sportsmen in the world are not American footballers (so much muscle, so little bulge) or “soccer players” or even rugby players (don’t tell Mr Vinegar) but...Australian Rules footballers.

I’m in a relationship with a rugby player right now and I was warned by my best friend (who played rugby with him on the same team) that he’s like a “bloody hyperactive Labrador”. Yes, he has fantastic thighs, yes his arse is a work of art and yes, he gives the best snuggles and cuddles, but...dear god. He gets up…

And accepting the prize for “You’ve got no dignity, Muriel” it’s...Megan Reynolds!

It’s something that my great-Grandmother used to do, although she called him by a different name. Find a room, facing due-west, and at sunset smile at the sunset and say “Not today, Nick”. The idea is that you confuse the devil before you head to bed by issuing a proclamation that you’ve beaten him for another day -…