I demand a recipe for that cake.  I have an office birthday coming up, the birthday girl has just got the all-clear on an annoying case of cancer (cancer, you slimy bitch.  You thought you’d come for my girl - she kicked your arse and whipped your mother’s too...) and she has demanded cake.  Of the chocolate variety. …

I have access to a speargun and a crossbow.  Send the cunts my way...

The anal fissure of pizza.  Neapolitan - like it fucking should be - or get the fuck out, Becky & Chad...

There’s an arse-sized crater where you were sitting, Becky!

Tell us more about your pseudo-sexual relation with this “snail mucus”...

Crush his car and live-stream it for shits and giggles.  

You first, sugartits.

I know. Like, hurry up you demented queen. We want to see your body being wheeled out of there in your silk kaftan!

SingedVinegar2 takes a seat on a folding chair outside the building site, sips his tea - with pinkie raised, naturally - and watches the drama unfold...

You should watch those bastards zap the “Veggie Patty”.  It’s like someone cooking afterbirth.  *shudder*

Yeah, fuck Subway. I will say though...if you’ve never tried or made a Green Goddess from scratch? Oh holy fuck, you’re missing out.

*stare*

Where’s the Indian food, you basic tarts? Christ. You’re all dead to me. And not just in the “Kim-Kardashian-eyes-dead” basic. We’re talking epic basic. You’re Florida-basic. Ugh.

As, ahem, “amazing” as this “opportunity” would be, I’ll have to say “nope” to it. Paris is full of amazing places to sleep, even work. You could always try to be a Tumbleweed at Shakespeare & Co (possibly my favourite bookstore in the world. It’s an incredible, incredible place) - watch out for the cats though.…

Please.  The Louvre is vast.  Gargantuan even.  There’s plenty of places in that place where you can have a fumble without being a wanker on AirBnB.  

Well it predates the USA.  They’re apparently one of mankind’s oldest sweets.

Be like me and try to do it when you see some fat wee child getting praise from their darling parents for building a cairn and then give them a bollocking for being irresponsible meat-flaps.  I suppose it helps if you can manifest Begby-from-Trainspotting and snarl at them. 

Your dad and my stepdad would get along famously. My stepdad had a pop at a Chinese tourist attempting to chisel their name into one of the stones at Callanais (one of the most important Neolithic sites in the world). I’m glad to report my stepdad made that idiotic little man cry and run back to his coach. We’ll let…

As Bob the Drag Queen declared...