There are many ways that my wee country is fucking better than yours, especially in cases like this. Someone suggested that upskirting was banned in Scotland because of men wearing kilts - well, yes, that’s one aspect (though the number of men who wear a kilt on a daily basis is smaller than you would think) but also…

Yes, yes he is a cunt. As my sister said this morning, he’s a prolapsed cunt.

No, it is not true. It’s traditional to go bare-arsed with a kilt but believe me, myself and a number of my fellow Scots will wear underwear underneath. Mostly because kilts can sometimes be made from rather...itchy...material and also, well, sexual assaults. There’s also the highly probable “upwind incident” such as…

I love it when people start flinging fairy-tales as justification for their hatred. It makes it so much easier to wish for them to meet a grisly end.

Girvan, eh? I wonder if they’re referring to the old Ladyburn distillery. Either way, the Girvan product is lovely by itself but it does make a lovely blend with others. I’m not surprised that Aldi gets top marks for their products - they’re frequently beating the bigger supermarkets in both taste, value and price for…

There are currently just under 8 billion faces of God. Or is that names?

Afri-Cola! Not my personal favourite rip-off Coca Cola (that will, forever, go to the dubious delights of Vita Cola) but, still a damned good mixer with vodka.

One of my friends, who is a vegan and has no problems cooking turkey (“Why? Because turkeys are cunts and ugly ones to boot”) said that one of her favourite things to do is to tell vegans about advanced in growing meat products. Oh, the knots they get themselves into. Does a lab-grown burger have a soul? Oh, the…

I thought joggers were toned and handsome (like yon Ridiculously Photogenic dude), not adorned with a facial merkin and carrying a pot-belly.

I bet the “heavy wash” button’s been well fingered in that household.

*dies*

Oh, for the love of Baby Satan...

As my mother once snarked, upon discovering that our old neighbours were expecting their fifth bundle of joy, “her fanny must be down by her ankles by now”. (Please bear in mind that we’re Scottish and we use the word fanny to describe a woman’s ladygarden and the word cunt is frequently used as a term of endearment)

Kill it. Kill it with fire. We may need to nuke the site from orbit - it may be the only way to make sure...

Oh.

Yes. A billion times this. Kick him in the fucking tiny grapes betwix his legs and prevent that piece of shit from procreating.

I’d call it HP. I’m in Scotland, not that place circling Mordor across The Pond...

Red sauce, aye?

I fucking adore spring rolls. When I was a tiny Vinegar, they were all I would ask for at Chinese restaurants (that and crispy seaweed. Good fucking god, that stuff is delectable) and I was so damned happy when my friend’s grandmother (herself an exile from Hong Kong) showed me how to make them. I prefer making them…

Sir, I’d like to present you with The Intarwebs. For you have won them today.