Ladies, please. All our founding fathers, astronauts and World Series heroes have been either drunk or on cocaine.

He said it was just a name!

It's my car, and I say we're going to the Lost City of Gold!

I have some sad news to report. A small puppy, not unlike Lassie, was just run over in the parking lot.

Really? Well, I'm from Utica.

Abracadabra. The crystal says your baby shall be a girl!

But they seemed so happy.

Dad, who's watching TV at 3:17 a.m.?

♫ Luke, be a Jedi tonight. Just be a Jedi tonight. Do it for Yoda while we
serve our guests some soda. And… uh… do it for Chewie and the
ewoks. And all the other puppets. Luke, be a Jedi tonight. ♫

You know, I'm here today as Luke Skywalker, but I'm also here to talk
about Sprint. As you can see here, you stand up to save up to seventeen
cents a month over the more dependable providers.

Batman's a scientist.

I forgot to clean the lint basket in the dryer. If someone broke into the house and did laundry, it could start a fire.

Let's just take them. We'll all be rich, rich as Nazis!

Everybody is going to family restaurants these days. Seems nobody wants to hang out in a dank pit no more.

How does he keep up with the news like that?

Perhaps you've heard of the Yakuza — the Poison Fists of the Pacific Rim — the Japanese mafia.

Good old rock. Nothing beats that.

What are you kids laughing at? And if you say Jimmy Fallon, I'll know you're lying.

I've never met anyone who so understood the magic of Jim Carrey

There's that awful script from The Cable Guy.