5 Seconds of Summer = Fetch

What I immediately pictured....

im sure in fact it was the NFL's call .

I may be a prudish person sometimes, but a lot of those things do sound pretty unsexy. They aren't mandatory parts of sex (use a condom to contain that semen!), but some things can't be helped. If you fart, that might be embarrassing or smelly, and while you can laugh it off, it can also be a bit of a buzzkill if…

It would be easier to document the number of times I actually did have sex- five times in the last three years. And I'm married. And it's not my choice.

"Ummmm, are you looking for something?"

Totally. She sounds either really high-maintenance or really asexual.

It seems like the author hates all sex that doesn't go exactly like a movie. Yeah, sex is juicy. It'll be fine! It's like that for all of us.

18. Doggy style. Just, doggy style. What horrible person invented this?

One time I was talking with a girl on OKC and we were hitting it off - she had mentioned off handly that it was refreshing that someone had not sent her a 'Dick Pic' right away. When she gave me her cell number the first time I immediately sent this photo:

If you're having girl problems, I feel bad for you son

Bert: "God this feels so good. Yeah baby. Yes! Yes! Yes! I love you so much. Oh Betty, god that's good."

I use a similar spreadsheet, except column A is formatted YYYY.

I kept a mental spreadsheet similar to this. I would not have ever actually sent it to my wife, though.

It's definitely what I was going for!

Opulence...they haz it.

I do not put Chipotle in the "fast food" category. Nor Moe's. I have weird designations in my mind but I do what I need to do to make it okay! The rules are fluid, man.

This comment is gold. Also, "Mousaline" the mouse dictator of Italy.

Love means dressing up in blackface at a Friar's Roast.