perfect movie

I haven’t done the math, but I’m sure this is somehow Trump’s fault. STOP KILLING PEOPLE YOU ORANGE PEEL FOR A TOUPEE MOTHERFUCKER

It's widespread by definition.

I was in my kindergarten production of the Nativity, and got a five-dollar bill from my grandpa.

Feh, you can’t blame an old codger for trying.

HOLY SHIT. I *just* started playing yesterday and I’m already hooked. Of course it helps that I’m already full blown Cat Lady IRL. I have big plans as a senior to push a baby carriage around to introduce my neighbors to Mittens and Mr Mustachio.

Does anyone else have a photo album that is full of nothing but cat buttholes, or is that just me?

I tried to tell my fetus that I had to eat a balance diet with fresh fruits and veggies. I read her articles, showed her statistics, the works! And she was all “lol how about you just eat plain noodles for 14 weeks or I’ll make you puke up everything you’ve ever loved.” Babies, man. What jerks.

Maybe, just maybe, I’m a very hormonal 38 week pregnant woman who is a bit touchy about things at this moment, but SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU STUPID STUDY. Like pregnant women need another fucking thing not to have. I haven’t had alcohol, I keep sugar and caffeine to a minimum, I have well done steak, I microwave my damn…

All the pygmy sloth hugs in the world for you, my friend.

“The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don’t just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary.”
—James D. Nicoll

I never saw her as Ann - I always saw her as Karen from the Office that left after she & Jim broke up. I wanted so badly for the writers to make the story so that Karen had relocated to Pawnee after the break-up and was fired from Dunder Mifflin so she went to visit some relatives in Pawnee and though she acted like…

FINALLY! She should have done something like this ages ago. I bet the monkey from the Lion King visited her in her sleep and said “Remember...who you are...” and pointed to a constellation/hologram of Tupac & Aaliyah in the distance that she chased after.

In my head she’s off living with Rob Lowe and begrudgingly celebrating Galentines Day each year. I just cannot separate them as much as I try

Of course it’s not all good, dickhole. The majority of us have a monthly event where we feel godawful abdominal pains and we bleed from our ladygardens for nearly a week at a time. PLUS THE HORMONES. MOTHERFUCKER, DO NOT GET ME STARTED ON THE FUCKING HORMONES.

Still as true today as it was 12 years ago when Jon Stewart demolished Carlson on Crossfire.

Try this.

Wait- he wasn’t even trying to avoid jail, just probation? I haven’t been following this story very closely, because this kind of thing gets me all angerpaited, but jesus.

Ladies, if the guy you’re dating lists one of his hobbies as “militia”: DEALBREAKER.