“Let’s all remember ‘innocent until proven guilty’ while I publicly accuse the victim of perjury, defamation and malicious prosecution!”

Although my comment seems to have caused offense and been deleted?  Hmm.

I think that’s more likely to lead to an e. coli infection.

thoughts and prayers, friend

What kind of shitty job do you have where you have to wait until after work to Google shit? Are you a first responder or something?

Justify also stopped wearing glasses around that time, suggesting he possibly had Lasix surgery.

Unlike the baseball, however, your wife’s seams are looser than ever.

To be fair, that's true of almost all of my comments. 

I know Little Caesar's has probably trademarked "Pizza Pizza," but I'm guessing no one has added the third "Pizza" yet.  Anyone got digits for this Josh Gerben, Esq. fellow?

Co-sign my car loan?

Do you remember the USofA after 9/11/01? People were legitimately freaking out that the third biggest shopping mall in [insert small town] was going to be destroyed at any moment. We started torturing people and tapping every phone in the universe because they were coming for us!

And/or DJs. 

The problem with this theory is that they all went absolutely insane over the existential “threat” of “radical Islam,” starting from the top with Dick Cheney.

He meant “aides.” A cure for aides like John Bolton.

“11 stressed-out journalists named Ben.”

Yes, clearly, it is the Boomer "television" technology that is ruining humanity's attention spans. 

Sorry if I’m being obtuse, but their return address is Euclid Avenue?

My cousin was helping to pull up the old floor from my brother’s cabin when we were rehabbing it. At one point, there were basically only the floor joists to walk on, and of course my cousin manages to fall between them, plummeting a full story into the basement, with a crowbar in his hand.

I *think* it’s an old horse-track phrase. When you have a winning ticket and you bring it up to the window, you declare, “Pay this window”—if you’re feeling feisty or something?

I always thought the Lexi Featherstone character in Sex and the City* was a fictionalized Lizzie Grubman (the publicist who mowed down the Hamptons crowd with her Benz).