My grandpa used to take my mom and her siblings to - I think it was Eastpoint Mall - where Johnny Unitas worked during the football off-season just to say hi to him. He was a very nice man, apparently.

And what's funny is that for quite a long time, professional athletes weren't paid all that much and often had to take up second or third jobs in the off-season. The reason my grandpa refused an offer to play MLB baseball was because he didn't want to move his family to another city just to make less money than he was…

You just know that if he was preying on pretty little white girls he'd have been in jail before he could even open his mouth and say the word "Aaliyah".

That would also be nice.

That's okay. We'll set up the Arpaio game hunt in the desert.

There's one woman who shows up anytime there's an article about Johnny Depp. She seems to think that by vehemently defending him to random internet strangers, he will magically come and whisk her away to paradise.

Sigh.

None. None more gross.

I'm not even sure where I first heard it, to be honest. It may well have been at the one and only roller derby match I've attended! It was really fun, but the lady I'm dating now is visually impaired and it wouldn't be fun for her.

Wait, he has some here? I know he has some and they are crazy. But here?!

…dad?

DAMMIT YOU STOLE MY JOKE

*smashes the word "GOODBYE" into the sand for everyone to see when they helicopter on outta here*

….I like you…… *sniff*

I thought that was just Marvin.

I thought they'd just recast him with a guy who never stops whining about Marvel and upvotes himself constantly.

Depends. Did you go to an all-girls Catholic high school in Baltimore?

Well, now I have even less of a reason to see this movie. You cut Professor Marshall Kane out!

Savage Love?

The Lincoln squirrel has been assassinated. We'll stay with the story all night, if we have to.