Sometime I’ve learned in my relationship is that you don’t yell “NORMAL PEOPLE DON’T LIVE LIKE THIS!” But you say in a quiet and calm and kinda wounded voice “I can’t live like this...” When he asks what do you mean, you describe how the wet floor and soggy bed makes you feel. You pretty much have the answer based on…

Woody Allen is skating on the fact that Mia’s adopted daughter may have been 7 at the time she was adopted.

Hell yeah! That’s a solid win!

And you’re in a good place now and no one is treating you the way people treat their shoe after they step in gum then dog poop? But you’re being treated like you make the sun rise and the moon sets because of you? (You can be single and be treated that way.) 

I feel like your next reply is going to be that he was homeless and you asked him to move in with you and insisted he didn’t pay a dime for anything. What you meant was until he gets back on his feet.

I strongly dislike showering bc it’s a process and no shower cap can prevent my thin strand but robustly thick hair from turning into a swamp witch coif.

My dad has one of those pretty conservative people types of jobs and got sick of gun nuts trying to shut him down so he decided he was gonna get a CWP so he could use that to shut them down. After the first day he called me and told me about how the instructor shut down the class and made people who brought their own…

So basically you’re the person who keeps the books for someone and you jumped ship from someone who could have changed the entire company bc you think emailing is beneath you? 

Tbh, he couldn’t beat Ted Cruz. When Lindsay Graham was in his “fuck it, let’s set fire to this place” phase he said if someone shot Ted Cruz dead on the senate floor, they wouldn’t convict.

Tbh, I have a story about the first and literally last time I will ever go white water rafting that includes me screaming a bunch of obscenities and someone yelling “calm down! You’ll be fine!” which I don’t remember but I did have a four Long Island ice teas and praying for death level migraine after.

tbh I just assumed all migraine sufferers have a beat to hell it not exactly a pillow but it fluffs up just enough to serve a purpose pillow that they drape over their eyes and ear as they lay on their side facing away from the window. Enough so you don’t start thinking about that time that (whatever, you know what…

The west wing at four on the tv is the best no sudden loud noises to make me wanna com or murder someone but also if god grants me the gift of sleep for a minute it’s fine and I can pick back up on an episode and a half 

That’s how who gets me? It’s predicted to be a 3 or 2 when it hits on Thursday of next week. It’s gonna be fine  

I mean... the current options are you or a child molester. I’m pretty sure it’s always worth the hassle if the other option is knowingly let a child be an environment where they’re gonna experience trauma.

I know this is gonna sound like a privileged thing to say but you need a lawyer. Google for lawyers that have sliding scales. And google to see who are the big firms that do family law in your area and call and see if they do pro bono work.

I forgot about my weird panic of “is this eczema or ringworm” from a month ago after having to dog sit two dogs that weren’t housebroken and one exclusively shit in a diaper despite going on walks diaperless. My hand is clear so I guess it wasn’t ringworm!

Two red bulls, three ibuprofen, an aspirin, and a cheeseburger and fries. That’s how you slay a migraine if you’re in the beginning I can still look at a screen and I don’t want to die stages 

Do you have a lawyer?

Take the job that will pay your bills now and still apply for the job you really want. And be up front during the hiring process that while you really want the job and you think you’re the dream hire for the job, your bills still have to get paid. You want to work with them but you aren’t in the position to risk your…

Tbh, it’s all pretty chill here and I haven’t gotten any emails from the electric company or cable. It’s gonna be a chill first hurricane.