Bezos should rename the sales tax that Amazon now charges to “Donald Trump’s Internet Tax” with a link to that tweet.

Three home runs is gonna be his max. He’s a big fan of another guy who really only connected with the wood three times.

i’ll tell you what makes no sense, THESE PRICES!

Oh, you thought I was talking about improvised knives...

My nephew Washing Machine makes weird noises and is clearly unbalanced.

what do you recommend? i’m all cauliflower ears 

Pretty sure a big enough group would be able to achieve it a la The Handmaid’s Tale.

are there co-ed prisons i’m unaware of?

I bet her Chemistry teacher was thinking “omg I had an impact”

I had basically the same experience. Our high school cancelled Latin while we were still taking 101 and they sent us an email that said, “Peremptalia classes Latine tua sumus,” but none of us could read it. So we were surprised a week later when our friends started MySpacing us to say our classes were being…

“It’s the ship that made the Kessel run in less than twelve Teslas!”

How do you squeeze juice? With your hands?

This is my favourite excerpt.

She was robbed. Everyone knows the Earth was created in 6 days about 6,000 years ago. So 75 million years ago there was nothing. And the closest thing to nothing is....the Timberwolves.

THIS REMINDS ME OF THE TIME I WAS ON JEOPARDY. AT STILL HAD HIS SIGNATURE MUSTACHE-EZ-RIDER AND WAS IN ONE OF HIS PATENTED ETHER STUPORS. ANYWAY THE CATEGORY WAS SOMETHING LIKE ‘ISN’T IT PUN-DERFUL’ WHERE EVERY ANSWER WAS A PUN. I CAN’T REMEMBER. ANYWAY YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY EVERY CONTESTANT MEET N GREET IS REALLY…

I spent 13 years on active duty (2x Iraq, 1x Afghanistan), and got out last year. Seeing pictures of Fifth Avenue fuckwits like this playing war tourist eliminates any regret I have about not staying in longer - and makes me feel awful for my friends still in.

“incorrect, and your wager - $69.69"

“What is 69?”

Which makes me think that he wore it just so so that it would cover it up.

He has to take Kushner seriously, because Kushner can, perhaps, convince his father in law, the president, not to dick-step the fight against ISIS. Good thing we had a revolution specifically so we would not have some jumped-up, in over his head, dauphin in charge of a military operation.