Hey you know what I need when I’m supposed to be working but I’m really goofing off on the internet?  It’s definitely “WELCOME TO ANTIQUE SHITSHOW” at top volume.  

You know how your sometimes fart so hard you feel a little wetness between your buttcheeks? That’s your post 

If he’s such a great prognosticator, then why didn’t he open the broadcast with, “Everybody should just go to bed right now, because in a few hours you will all want to kill yourselves.”

He actually resigned several weeks ago, but he didn’t think he had to report it to the school.

Goddammit, surely Joe Flacco is at least elite as a top 20 boring athlete?

Phil would have better weed.

No, no, no. It’s ok for Harbaugh to recruit teens.

Talk about bad plugs.....

They will not rest until a black woman loses her job for saying that the man gunning for her dislikes black people.

Half of Chicago is now memorizing Mike Glennon’s full name and DOB, *fingers crossed* just in case.

This was easily one of the best Superbowls ever, with quite a backstory, and you write this. An article that seems like it physically pained you to write it.

“Why run when when you can pass?”

Atlanta’s bed shitting actually makes this easier to handle. If you take your boot off the Pats’ neck for even a second because of an unforced error, give them just that millimeter of daylight, then fuck you. You get zero sympathy.

The sooner people realize McCarthy is in the top 5 of the funniest people who ever lived ever the better off we’ll all be.

To be fair, I don’t think Trump was referring to Langer when he said “that German guy had some interesting thoughts.”

I loathe Trump with the fire of a thousand burning suns, and it sickens me he’s in a position of power, but the day I give a shit what the pro athletes of my teams think in terms of politics is the day I stop watching sports. These guys ain’t smart or worldly, that’s not why I watch them.

Will the media ever realize that Belichick doesn’t just “appear” to not give a shit but actually doesn’t give half of one shit about the media? His job is to win games and anything that gets in the way of that is bullshit, utter bullshit. He’s not acting.

Packers. Every single one of them.

“Don’t go to Miami or anything this week, is all I’m sayin.”

I call this entire ensemble the “What would happen if Rodney Dangerfield and a bloated, possibly mumps-infected Andrew McCarthy reproduced a fully grown man?” look.