DO NOT WATCH IT. ANYWHERE. AT ALL. EVER.

“We’ve decided not to make another entry in the only remaining mildly original and fun first-person shooter franchise and instead have opted to chase the latest over-saturated fad long after it’s already reached over-saturation. Don’t forget to stock up on TITAN BUX - only $29.99!”

Holy fucking shit, write about something else ever. 

My method:

This is 2019.  What the fuck is “cash?”

It’s spelled “grimace”, you primary school dropout.

It’s spelled “grimace”, you primary school dropout.

Ew. I was hoping to give him the benefit of the doubt but the facts really leave no wiggle room.

There is also the perjury, yes.

This is the most egregious part. Even if there were incontrovertible evidence that BK was 100% telling the truth, his decorum and demeanor were still waaaaaaaaaay outside what we should expect from a SUPREME COURT JUSTICE.

Fuck off, Tucker.

This, this, this!  I go out of my way to avoid spending money at overtly religious companies. 

“I don’t want to sound racist, but I can’t be the only person who hates Mexicans, right?”

Well, fuck.  That’s some weapons-grade gallows humor.

Look, I’m not going to pretend there’s anything remotely balanced or healthy about Reese’s Puffs, but if you talk shit about them ONE MORE TIME, I can’t be held liable for my actions.

That’s a Fair Point.  At least Cryin’ Canseco doesn’t randomly CAPITALIZE words for no apparent Reason.  Sad!

Thanks, it’s great to be here! Where do I sign up to get paid to paraphrase articles written by actual journalists?

I’d still take it over what we have now.  Canseco may be equally unintelligent but at least he’s not actively evil.

“Jordan Peele recounts the first scary story he ever told. Now click here to find out what it was somewhere else!”

I don’t think you’ve ever tasted sour milk...

With a name like Crumbfuckers™, it has to be good!