What sound does a Prius make when it idles?

A raccoon.

You should be proud.

The only manly way to tan is to go outside and do some real work. And don't you dare take off that shirt, you sicko. You only need your arms tanned.

PETER PARKER DOESN'T HAVE REAL WEBS.

More like the entire 5th season. Completely regret buying that DVD.

My hypothetical future child's middle name will be Danger. He'll thank me when he's older.

"Estas usando este software de colision en forma incorrecta, por favor consulte el manual."

SOMEONE STAR THIS MAN!

As a free range chicken owner, them being able to roam around freely certainly makes for happier chickens. And happy chickens=happy eggs. When they eat more bugs and grass and crap like that, they get more nutrients and stuff. The yolks in our eggs are an dark yellow/orange color. I can't even eat the eggs at stores…

Man, schizophrenic computers, That's What She Said computers. With the way technology is advancing pretty soon we'll all have companion cubes.

These better be bullet proof for that price. My shoes usually dissolve after a year or two.

Look at you, sailing through the air like an eagle... piloting a blimp.

The cake is a lie lolololo!

I before E except after C!

MY HEAD ASPLODE!

30oz of water with 1 tablespoon of sea salt worked for me.

Salt water is awesome. Because you can't digest it, it'll push the contents of your stomach/intestines out of you and into the toilet within 30 minutes.

I don't like armpits in general. I don't really even like staring at my own. But in that picture it's RIGHT THERE AND I DON'T WANNA SEE IT!

CURSE YOU, GIZMODO/JEZEBEL CROSSPOSTS!!!