Gruden would be better off spending the rest of his working life at ESPN. His stature has risen over the years, despite his stats. Everyone wants him to coach, but as the years go by, they forget how average he was. This job will ruin the unearned holy status he’s held dear. Every year he spends not coaching increases…

THIS GUY JON GRUDEN, I CALL HIM DONALD TRUMP BECAUSE HE’S FALLEN UP INTO A JOB HE DOESN’T REALLY WANT AND IT’LL PROBABLY END IN DISASTER.

Big deal. Wait until you see the party my dad throws for me once he gets back with that pack of cigarettes he went out for back in 1986.

“As Pro Football Talk noted, the Jaguars have in the past removed the tarps for previous regular-season games, but in the postseason.”

I’m most impressed by the 4 kids with 5 women statistic.

I mean, have you not read any news from Hollywood this year?

This is the greatest thing I have ever seen

Welcome to the Four Seasons Levenworth, sir, can I help you with your bags? Would you be needing one or two shanks this evening?

You live in a remorseless, unapologetic oligarchy where there is a big club and you’re not in it. Got it?

To be fair, it’s exam week at UNC. Sometimes a student athlete just doesn’t mentally show up to a game after spending the day physically not showing up to their exam.

FWIW, that wax ring looks pretty thick, so I wouldn’t be surprised if it was a newer toilet. If you’re stealing appliances, you’ve got at least 2 guys, so uninstalling a toilet could be done in 90 seconds. If it’s a nice toilet, you could resell for $200 maybe. So the cost benefit makes sense. I realize I’m defending…

“No, I said one day I’m gonna steal your can, sir! Be patient!”

The police have nothing to go on.

I got an SID in college too. :(

Things we don’t know what they are anymore, by sport:

“An assist is any time I let someone shoot the ball who is not me...on either team.”
-Kobe Bryant

“That was a terrible pass! What was he even thin... uhhh... errrr...”

They need to program all the other robots to facepalm/roll their eyes/cover their ears/fall dead once he starts talking. They are far too calm there in his company.

This is the worst conversation ever to appear on the internet.