Drugs were given and I'm pretty sure its gonna scar in a really villainous way. I would have preferred to not have come that close to cutting my finger off but if I had to a really scary looking scar is worth it

In the grand scheme of things, having to have a finger reattached because I'm an idiot is actually not that bad of a day when you consider all the strife in the rest of America. Now I feel bad for thinking my day blew

I've had the worst day and this really genuinely cheered me up. Thank you, internet stranger.

I'm really just happy someone finally appreciated my puns. Really.

I'd say my crowning glory was either Jack the Giffer or Gif Astley

I feel like there should be a once a week kid meetup during the summer where they all just hang out and exchange germs so come fall the entire world doesn't have those two weeks where everyone is dying from the plague. Even when we all wash our hands this two weeks is far stronger than all of us This bourbon to…

I got horribly horribly ill this week and I blamed it on kids going back to school and their parents being carriers for sick kids germs. They go back next week. My body is not ready for this onslaught of germs. I definitely feel the worst for stay at home moms when it comes to back to school germs. The kids are…

Thats not dated. Thats petty as hell. No body wears white out of whoops forgot where I was going today! Its usually an ex lover or a spiteful relative or someone the bride has competed with in the past and the bride won. Everyone knows you don't wear white to a wedding unless you want to look more unhinged than good…

I think the entire thing is gonna boil down to waiting for the hipster gif-er (I've made all the excellent gif puns and no one appreciates them. But, like Miley, can't stop won't stop) to get bored and then they quietly get rid of greys and it'll be business as usual.

1) Is anyone else shocked it was intergalactic lipstick and not an intergalactic eos lip balm? Its like to have a music video lately you have to have your video sponsored by eos. 2) If my boobs are actually missile silos, their size relative to my body frame actually makes a lot more sense to me. So I guess Ariana…

Please allow me to introduce you to Homer Simpson's La-Z-Man Toilet Chair!

The worst one I ever was asked about was urchin skin plus a really awful ripped for her pleasure joke after it. My friend realized how awful it was after she said it and put herself in time out for how awful it was

I'm terrible about turning the tv on and turning it up loud so I can hear it while I do chores. For like 2 weeks I walked around in a state of vexation because I kept hearing about these new bear skin condoms. I couldn't believe first the lambs and now the bears? Where was the line America? When the animals got really…

Unfortunately, I will see your gross barstool post about the rape gif posts and I will raise you the fact that a young woman tweeted about how what @stoolpresidente (why would you want your twitter handle to sound like you're the commander and chief of poop?) just said about Jezebel made her feel ill and she couldn't…

Thats even worse! Do you think he posted a picture of his ass on craigslist to find his spunk double?

Why would they let Screech use a stunt dick? No sleezy porn producer is gonna agree to do a celeb porno but allow that zero of the boning is done by someone other than the celeb. I would have loved to be in that meeting. "So... let me get this straight.....You want to have a sex tape but don't actually want to have…

DUDE! NO! Theres gonna be a lifetime movie about Saved By the Bell and the trailer is insane. Like I saw the trailer and immediately put it in my calender because I can't miss that. I want to get live tweet level drunk and live tweet the shit out of it.

Yeah. I'm gonna need a link to that one.

I live in a requested but it doesn't have to be photo ID state. You can use things like a utility bill, pay stub, or bank statements. But I feel to get those things I have always had to have photo ID. To pick up a refill prescription from the doctors office I had to give them my license to confirm its me, the…

Assuming that it was Jezebel and not Gawker, how does a post on penis pretzels undermine this post or make it so we (? I don't know who the we are in this situation) can't be taken seriously? There is a long tradition of people pointing out things that look like dicks in all societies. Everyone has pointed to a cloud…