George Carlin. Three times, because the realization Donald Trump is president would kill him again the first two.

If you were really dedicated to this company, you’d be crawling over broken glass to buy the shirts with your own money.

That is the only thing missing to finally confirm that we are living in the stupidest timeline.

The Washington Football Team is like football Maven.

Forming an LLC to work for a company is the future we deserve.

He’ll be there long after Gruden. He just has to wait this year out then he can have a career ending injury next year as the starter.

This is all terribly depressing but can we talk about how overly reliant these chuds are on using a pyramid in their diagrams. I know that as a real life not-very-successful business person, the first fucking thing I think of when I see a pyramid during a business presentation is, “oh these assholes are building a…

According to Marco Rubio that wasn’t a real request.

They aren’t the majority. They’re just the loudest voices.

Every time someone talks about this, I’ve got to wonder what a couple hundred NRA fans would do when confronted with a battalion or so of real soldiers, complete with armor & air support. A real, live insurrection (that’s what it would be called) would pretty much put posse comitas on hold.  I’ve got to imagine the…

“Y’all Qaeda”

The thing of it is, I’m inclined to believe Trump (or somebody with Trump’s blessing/authority) probably actually said something along those lines. I truly believe, though, that Trump is completely incapable of brokering a deal without casting it as a quid pro quo.

As soon as the hot water and internet goes out everyone will immediately abandoned their desire for glorious violent upheaval.

Speaking of good writing, what happened to Charles Farrell? He seems to have disappeared off the Twitters and hasn’t posted to Deadspin in ages.

As long as you say ‘no quid pro quo’, then it never happened. No takesbacksies, kthanxbye.

I like that he almost immediately follows it up with a "please stop writing this shit down in texts." 

Or just a picture of the drowsy eye warning that they stick on medications, which he mistook for a winking eye. You know, because this whole is like the Bluths but turned up to 11.

Holy shit there are going to be so many memes about this. There's going to be a movie. There's going to be long History Channel documentary series about this. Derek.