I crop-dust obnoxious fellow patrons.

Yup. Mrs. Shablam and I had an indiscretion, lessons were learned, she picked up some Plan B (I happened to be there, but just because - she didn’t need to be held or anything), then she washed it down with some seltzer and no ceremony. And that was that. It’s totally not something to be weird about. I did get a…

Also the Amish. And Hasids. Good to keep all of this in mind when someone claims atheists have nothing to keep them on the ethical straight-and-narrow.

The Miss Orange County title has just been on a downward spiral since Michelle Pfeiffer took the crown in '78.

That's just your female privilege speaking.

I'm going to stick with "fizzy poison."

Yes, they live, love, dream, dance, reflect, swim, and of course, shit. And fuck.

Step one: don't be Woody Allen...

He also died millennia ago and therefore doesn’t have shit to say about anything anymore and any concern about him is an enormous waste of time, but that little nugget of reality hasn’t seemed to slow them down any.

Nah. Prosperity gospel for life! [Creflo] Dollar dollar bill, y'all!

Unlike the enlightened, fully self-actualized humans who base their entire lives and all of their opinions on a thick stack of papers containing a bunch of stories written by bronze age nomads and ancient cultists. Totally makes sense.

I’ve done diets like that and lost weight while still eating a shit ton of calories. The fly in the analytical ointment is that I also cut out booze while on those diets, which likely accounts for a pretty damned impressive quantity of calories.

Considering that most avocados are grown in Mexico, they may very well be literal gifts from Jesus.

Well, he certainly wasn't drafted.

What smells like shoe polish?

Pssst! Dont’ tell anyone about this, but I have a secret that works great: I don't drink soda at all. I thought that maybe I'd get in trouble if I didn't, but nobody's gotten in my face about it yet.

Fucking corn nuts. Someone behind me was eating corn nuts. And breathing. Pretty sure that's justifiable homicide.

I’m not up on my pro football strategy and terminology, so could you enlighten me as to what “the most male way” to win a football game is and how it differs from the other, less male, ways? I can only guess it involves jizzing on the football, but I assume you’ll enlighten me if that’s incorrect.

He's not, which is why he wants everyone else to be.

Nope. Just a mild bertation.