The Apricot Ashtray says “Pffffft! That’s nothing.”

I don’t think I have any really awesome good stories about my mom. She kind of ... wasn’t that great.

My mom is the mom that gets hella joy out of making me feel like a bad daughter.

I just came here to write “but girl, they are comfortable” and I thank you for getting here first.

OMG YAAAAS YASSSSSSS TO EVERY IDIOT COMMENTER WHO KEPT SAYING SHE WAS JUST OVERLINING HER LIPS I AM SINGING DASHBOARD’S VINDICATED AND DANCING AROUND THIS AIRPORT TERMINAL ALSO I AM PROBABLY VERY DRUNK

HOW ABOUT “YES, BECAUSE HE IS TOTALLY MY TYPE?” WHY ARE YOU SEX-SHAMING ME, BOBBY?

That’s

She can use some of her own hair to make an eyebrow merkin good golly gosh

this guy is one bad haircut away from being tracked down by Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey

Truly epic pale skin & 1/2 peach breasts w/ pert nipples

Yeah, he is super dead. Dead as a dooknob. He is no more. He has ceased to be.

Nope. People give birth at home and home like settings. If all is well no need to stay

I haven’t, I fear them. Low-rise jeans are bad too. In truth, I try to stick to just draping myself in loose fabric.

I found out during a routine physical some time in my 20's. I was quite surprised because I felt like there were plenty of opportunities, between doctors and dudes, to find something like that before then, but here we are. I wrote a whole blog post about it and everything.

two periods a month.

I think my ass fat migrated to my muffin top. Is that possible?

Kimmunion.

The last 5 pounds? Well that's just fucking adorable.

I’m not going to read through everything to see whether anyone already mentioned this, but Colin Farrell has a child with major health challenges.

Jewelry other than cuff bracelets. Necklaces? Bend over, catch them on a cabinet knob, and choke myself. Rings? Those either get taken off and dropped into purse after 2-3 hours (this also happens with necklaces), or left next to the bar/restaurant/office’s bathroom sink. Earrings? I pierced one ear at 19, and after…