No matter how many times I try to think it through, I just can’t understand her reaction to that photographer. She was sympathetic toward the protesters, right? Isn’t the point of a protest to gain attention? So wouldn’t you welcome a photographer?

That’s how I'd like to be remembered.

Wait, he’s being “accused” of dating Lupita? Is dating her a crime?

Balderdash. The joker is washing off his balls. (Hey!)

All this time I’ve been using it as a term of endearment. “My love, I would gladly suck the farts out of your ass. You’re just that hot.” Leave it to Chris Brown to weaponize one of my best lines.

I do not think that Ann Coulter actually believes 90 percent of the garbage that comes out of her own mouth. And that makes her worse, somehow.

Between this and Sinister, Vincent D’Onofrio is really cornering the Mysterious Man Who Knows a Lot About the Monster market.

When does he get his free brown shirt in the mail?

After senior week, the senior staffers “graduate.” I’m told it’s completely serene and peaceful. They sit in big comfy chairs and watch giant video screens showing pictures of how beautiful the world once was. The drugs produce a sense of euphoria almost immediately, and from there they just ... slip away ...

Tried it. The drawbacks:

I was on the anti-cargo train until the kids popped out. Now that I need to carry at least a partial baby/toddler kit whenever we go anywhere, I have granted myself temporary exemption. I will resume my anti-cargo stance once they can start lugging their own shit.

If the car will do SOME of the driving for me, but the manufacturer insists I still need to keep my hands on the wheel, maintain full alertness, and pay complete attention to what’s around me even when that so-called autonomous mode is on, then what the hell good is it? It’s like driving with a 15-year-old on a…

I love how this chart discusses weather qualitatively — “good” or “bad” or “below average” or whatever. Some people might say Miami has “great” weather, but I would beg to differ.

Just turn off Survival Mode and you won’t have to worry about food intake.

Is that picture really him? Wearing that hat? Of course it is.

There’s a fine line between “flasher” and “guy with shorts and low-hangers who’s so out of it he doesn’t know that his dangle has exceeded his coverage.” But I think this guy crossed it when subtly moved his shirt to cover up, rather than performing the complete readjustment of pants necessary to fully address the…

It could have been an airtight murder. If she had stuck with a story that held water, it would have been smooth sailing for her. But she just couldn’t help but leak the truth.

But he said “fuck” in his HBO show promo. Ergo, edgy.

Confession: I had to look up who Zach Braff is. And then I learned that Dax Shepard actually IS NOT the guy from Scrubs. Scrubs IS NOT, in fact, married to Veronica Mars. My early-2000's TV dream couple DOES NOT EXIST AND NEVER HAS. I feel like my mind has had a vasectomy.