This is so dumb that if Einstein was correct it might actually loop back around to being smart.

OH MY STARS AND GARTERS THE STUMPERS AND THE LITTLE FLOPSY EARS!!

That’s why I occasionally drive by and throw trash in the yard of the guy who works the night-shift at my corner gas station. “Fuck you, Roger! Why my gas and smokes still so spendy?”

If I didn’t know that Jim’s mother was alive, I would have assumed she was brutally murdered by a gang of tilapia.

I was in college in North Carolina when it came out, and one of my roommate’s friends couldn’t comprehend that I was refusing to see it. She just couldn’t process the information being presented to her.

This is because way too many managers refuse to back their employees.

As I’ve said before, I make up pseudonyms when people don’t specify, because most people want them but forget to ask. If you’d like me to change it to your actual name, e-mail me about it and I’d be happy to.

I went to see the movie with 60 preachers and a rabbi. That’s not the beginning of a joke. That’s who I went to see the movie with.

You know who else left their trash in the movie theater? HITLER!

Right up there with “Oh, I’m (we’re) a server(s), don’t worry I’ll (we’ll) take good care of you.” If you have to talk about it, its like you have to convince yourself its true (when its painfully obvious to EVERYONE around you that its not).

I’m a teaching associate at a prestigious university on the East Coast. The two things I hear the most from students who are not satisfied with their grades are “But I’m a really good student” or “But I’m a really good writer.” I am convinced that most of these students are the sons and daughters of the super rich:…

Does... does Mrs. Claus know about this?

My birthday fell on Good Friday the year the Passion of the Christ came out, and my mother decided that she, I, and my two elementary aged younger brothers, one of whom has autism, would go. She’d checked it out herself the previous week, and thought it was fine for kids and some reviewers were overreacting and there…

See also: people who announce to the server upon sitting down, “I am a GREAT tipper.” They’ll run the shit out of you, and tip 12% maximum nearly every time.

No, it’s not okay! Your parents are terrible. There are large trash cans outside the entrance, pick up your trash and put it in there on your way out. Don’t make some teenager’s life worse just because no one is standing there to stop you, please.

Nah, its cool, since magical gremlins pick up your trash there.

“Useless fucking paper clip”: best description of a human I’ve ever read. MORE STORIES, LINDSEY.

My god, can you imagine what those crowds must have been like when they were out to dinner after the movie?

Passion of the Christ, which we can all agree was basically a torture snuff film, brought the craziest people out of the woodwork. According to a friend who worked at the local theater at the time, more than half the staff just straight up quit over the abuse they got from people so ignorant and belligerent. This…