The only form of chicken he eats is McNuggets, so no help there, and he’s terrified of stairs, so that’s out, too. Maybe a lightning strike out on the golf course?

That is ham salad, and ham salad is delicious. And deadly. Deadlicious!

Yep. It’s pretty gross.

The left lane is the passing lane. It’s not for hanging around in, especially at or below the speed limit. In fact, in many states, refusing to yield the lane to drivers traveling at higher rates of speed is illegal. When you’re in the left lane (which, to reiterate, unless you’re passing, you probably shouldn’t be)…

Take ‘em for all they’re worth!

You had everything straight right up to the double-negative. “We’re not convinced this isn’t a work” means they think it doesn’t quite play as spontaneous, unplanned, righteous-indignation-fueled-walk-off - in other words, a shoot - and may, in fact, have been staged, i.e., a work.

I’ll take eternal damnation, thanks! Ten years in close quarters with Berman and no way to end one’s own existence is beyond the pale.

So you basically beat me to the (admittedly easy) joke. I was going to go with, “Mitch Albom won’t be one of the five people you meet in Heaven, because he’s going to Hell. Except there isn’t a Heaven or a Hell because, you know, organized religion is bullshit. So basically, he just sucks.” (Yours was more elegant!)

Privil-edgy, bro.

This kid’s either had his ass beaten way too much or not nearly enough. Hard to tell which.

Starred for “jizzblocked cranial crazies.”

Wait. Wait. You want to put fucking Inboxghazi on par with all the intensely heinous shit that Weasel Walker’s pulled? Like, for serious?

Do you need to stop Shaq from getting to the hole? Just foul him! He’s notoriously bad at free throws! #hackashaqhack

You should definitely go defiantly.

I watched this happen live and lost my shit. My three-year-old ran around yelling “LOOK AT THAT FLIP” for the rest of the evening. (Could have been worse, but I’ve mostly managed to check my reflexive urge to scream admiration obscenities at awesome sports plays since my kid’s started repeating everything I say.)

Take that “yeesh,” turn it sideways, coat it in polio, shove it up your ass, and smuggle it back over the northern border. How’s that for bias?

That is an amazing gift and your roommate is a lucky person. The only way that gift could be better is if you included an actual eye patch, to be worn over one’s non-dominant eye while viewing those fine films.

Yep, that’s Rob Huebel, who is sooo much better than Bob Saget.

“Decides to walk backwards or very, very slowly” — lol, and I feel your pain.

Use a few tablespoons of it to make chasseur sauce, then pour that sauce on some meat, then eat it, then die happy.