The only form of chicken he eats is McNuggets, so no help there, and he’s terrified of stairs, so that’s out, too. Maybe a lightning strike out on the golf course?

That is ham salad, and ham salad is delicious. And deadly. Deadlicious!

“Finally you will avail yourself of the need to type out the letters for avocado, bacon, selfie, face palm, and pregnant.”

Yep. It’s pretty gross.

The left lane is the passing lane. It’s not for hanging around in, especially at or below the speed limit. In fact, in many states, refusing to yield the lane to drivers traveling at higher rates of speed is illegal. When you’re in the left lane (which, to reiterate, unless you’re passing, you probably shouldn’t be)…

Take ‘em for all they’re worth!

You had everything straight right up to the double-negative. “We’re not convinced this isn’t a work” means they think it doesn’t quite play as spontaneous, unplanned, righteous-indignation-fueled-walk-off - in other words, a shoot - and may, in fact, have been staged, i.e., a work.

I’ll take eternal damnation, thanks! Ten years in close quarters with Berman and no way to end one’s own existence is beyond the pale.

So you basically beat me to the (admittedly easy) joke. I was going to go with, “Mitch Albom won’t be one of the five people you meet in Heaven, because he’s going to Hell. Except there isn’t a Heaven or a Hell because, you know, organized religion is bullshit. So basically, he just sucks.” (Yours was more elegant!)

Privil-edgy, bro.

You sure as fuck can’t do it buying at Restoration Hardware.

Starred for “Secretary of Nagriculture”

What a way to go! Sign me up.

People die every day. Lots of people. Most of them are people you’ll never meet, never hear of, never know. Their deaths are peaceful and violent, clean and grisly, inevitable and tragic, and every shade in between. One day, you’ll be one of them — and maybe, just maybe, someone, through the vehicle of internet…

“beck and call,” dude, not “beckon call.” Also the rest of your comment is shit.

This kid’s either had his ass beaten way too much or not nearly enough. Hard to tell which.

Starred for “jizzblocked cranial crazies.”

Wait. Wait. You want to put fucking Inboxghazi on par with all the intensely heinous shit that Weasel Walker’s pulled? Like, for serious?

Do you need to stop Shaq from getting to the hole? Just foul him! He’s notoriously bad at free throws! #hackashaqhack

You should definitely go defiantly.